Couple clashes over his drinking

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Hi, Carolyn:

My girlfriend and I recently got into an argument about how much is appropriate to drink at a social occasion (I’m OK with drinking more, though she’s certainly not a teetotaler). I’m fine with having different standards, and negotiating situations as a couple, but I get the sense she is judging me — she keeps arguing that my behavior is unhealthy.

Neither of us believes I am an alcoholic, as I seldom drink alone and when I do drink in groups, it is usually in moderation. How do I tell her I’m OK with us negotiating, but not with her telling me my behavior is wrong?

— Clashing

Unhealthy how? Does she say? Does “usually in moderation” mean “sometimes to excess”?

The relationship issue here is one of stasis. It’s not OK — healthy — for two people in a relationship to remain in a position where one maintains an expressed negative view of the other’s behavior while the other continues behaving in the disapproved way.

Not only is that a recipe for unhappiness, with one always judging and the other always judged, but it’s also a violation of trust. The point of having a partner is in the acceptance of each other, in the sharing of life’s burdens so that each of you feels lighter. One seeing the other as a burden defeats that.

Obviously two people will never do everything to the other’s liking, and of course when something is out of balance, then it’s important for someone to bring it up. That seems to be the case here.

But the person being asked to change always has the prerogative to say no, as you did. That means it’s your girlfriend’s turn to either make a change or choose not to — and that means deciding whether she thinks you have a drinking problem. If she does, then she needs to break up with you. If she doesn’t, then she needs to lay off it.

This is how you can talk to her about it — by saying you’ve heard her, you’ve thought about it, you disagree. Then ask her if this is a deal-breaker, because, if it’s not, then you’d like her to drop the subject.

The alcohol issue here, meanwhile, is hard to pin down. She could be overreacting just as easily as you could be underreacting. One angle worth trying is to start “negotiating” — identifying situations where it makes sense for you to cut back.

Re: Drinking:

Maybe it’s not how much you’re drinking that bothers her, but how you act when you’re drinking.

— Anonymous

Yes, possible, and if so it’s something she needs to spell out, thanks.

Re: Drinking:

It’s my experience that when someone thinks someone else is drinking too much, they usually are. The letter-writer should really take a closer look at his drinking habits. You don’t have to drink alone to be an alcoholic, and drinking in moderation means that at the end of the evening you still (mostly) feel and behave like you do when you’re completely sober.

— Anonymous 2

Yes to the closer look, just because. However, I disagree that an accusation of drinking too much is a de facto conviction. Perceptions of “healthy” alcohol use vary too widely.