Daughter questions mom’s approach to mourning dad

Carolyn Hax is away. The following is from July 30, 2003.

Hi Carolyn:

My father passed away a few months ago, and I’ve been having difficulties with my mother ever since. Our relationship has become strained as a result of our different grieving styles (hers — jetting off to Paris, buying a new luxury car, having substantial cosmetic surgery). Although I understand we all deal with death in our own unique ways, I can’t seem to grasp this as a mourning period for her. Although I’m an adult, I still feel abandoned and sometimes like I’ve lost both parents. I’ve tried talking to a grief counselor, but really, I’m handling my father’s death OK — but am hurt repeatedly by my mother’s actions.

— Still Smarting

I am sorry about your father. I am sorry, too, that you are alone in your grief. But if you’re going to have to stop judging your mother.

You do claim to understand that people grieve in different ways, but you’ll crack a tooth if you clench any harder when you say it. Clearly, you think the widow is being excessively merry, dishonoring your dad’s memory and, therefore, unsettling you, I imagine profoundly.

I also suspect, though, that you’ve thrown Paris in her new face — which would have made her defensive when you really just wanted support. To tell her that you feel alone, the best words are, “Mom, I feel alone.”

It’s also not up to you to decide what memory your mom is supposed to honor. Not only will she grieve in her own way — and self-indulgence is hardly abnormal — but she’s also mourning a man you don’t fully know. Where you saw Daddy, she saw a husband, and those are two different things.

Look through her eyes and ask her to look through yours. You might see why she’d be trying to outrun her grief, or even feeling a kind of release.

Or you might see a selfish, insensitive woman, and that would present you with a choice: Either accept Mom as she is — or let go and grieve for her, too.

Dear Carolyn:

I am in a fairly new relationship. Recently I met my girlfriends after work at a bar. I conducted myself accordingly — no flirting, no approaching men, etc. My boyfriend says he trusts me, but that it is inconsistent to go to a typically singles place while in a relationship. As long as it is not a routine event and I am not at the bar for the wrong reasons, I think it shouldn’t be a problem. It has caused a serious strain in our relationship. Can you help us out?

— Washington

I’ll help you out. Run. It is inconsistent with trusting you to put limits on your freedom. “As long as it’s not … routine”?: You’re ceding ground to a control freak.

© 2017, Washington Post Writers Group

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Everett P. Fog, 15, in front of an Everett mural along Colby Avenue on Wednesday, Jan. 22, 2025 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Hello, Everett! No escape when your name is same as the town

Everett P. Fog, 15, sees and hears his first name wherever he goes. His middle name is also epic.

2025 Nissan Rogue Rock Creek edition (Provided by Nissan).
2025 Nissan Rogue has new Rock Creek edition

Enhanced outdoor capability is a boon for the more adventurous.

Futuristic Kona Limited Photo Provided By Hyundai Newsroom.
2025 Hyundai Kona Limited SUV Gets Roomier

All-Wheel Drive Option Add To All Trims

Children play and look up at a large whale figure hanging from the ceiling at the Imagine Children’s Museum (Olivia Vanni / The herald)
Fun for all ages: The best places for family adventures

From thrilling activities to relaxing outings, here’s where to make unforgettable family memories!

Jared Meads takes a breath after dunking in an ice bath in his back yard while his son Fallen, 5, reads off the water temperature on Tuesday, Oct. 15, 2024 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Chill out: Dive into the cold plunge craze

Plungers say they get mental clarity and relief for ails in icy water in tubs, troughs and clubs.

Schack exhibit to highlight Camano Island watercolorists

“Four Decades of Friendship: John Ebner & John Ringen” will be on display Jan. 16 through Feb. 9.

XRT Trim Adds Rugged Features Designed For Light Off-Roading
Hyundai Introduces Smarter, More Capable Tucson Compact SUV For 2025

Innovative New Convenience And Safety Features Add Value

Sequoia photo provided by Toyota USA Newsroom
If Big Is Better, 2024 Toyota Sequoia Is Best

4WD Pro Hybrid With 3-Rows Elevates Full-Size

2025 Toyota Land Cruiser (Provided by Toyota).
2025 Toyota Land Cruiser revives its roots

After a 3-year hiatus, the go-anywhere SUV returns with a more adventurous vibe.

Enjoy the wilderness in the CX-50. Photo provided by Mazda USA Newsroom
2025 Mazda CX-50 Adds Hybrid Capability to Turbo Options

Line-Up Receives More Robust List Of Standard Equipment

Practical And Functional bZ4X basks in sunshine. Photo provided by Toyota Newsroom.
2024 bZ4X Puts Toyota Twist On All-Electric SUV’s

Modern Styling, Tech & All-Wheel Drive Highlight

Photo provided by Mazda USA Newsroom
2025 Mazda3 Turbo Premium Plus Hatch Delivers Value

Plus Functionality of AWD And G-Vectoring

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.