Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
After years of living with hand-me-down furniture we got in college, my husband and I recently bought a house and invested in some nice furniture.
And now he is obsessed with keeping the furniture pristine. I’m all for good furniture care, but it’s really irritating when we sit down to eat dinner or watch a movie and his attention is focused on some perceived scratch or something. I’ve tried asking him in the moment if right now he could just focus on dinner/the movie/me, but he seems unwilling or unable to do it.
He also keeps bringing up handprints he thinks he sees on the leather couch, which he thinks are due to my sunscreen, but (1) I’ve started showering as soon as I get home to deal with the sunscreen issue, and (2) I can’t even see these handprints.
I’m starting to feel lonely and alienated because it feels like he cares about the furniture more than me. What to do?
— Lonely
Have nice slipcovers made … and wear them?
I’m sorry. It’s not funny. And it’s plainly more serious than a scratch on the table.
Please tell your husband what you observe and how you feel, explicitly.
And consider the possibility this new stage of your life with him and your deeper investments — your permanence — have triggered an anxiety disorder in him, maybe one that has been there all along, but not so severely that either of you noticed, or that he couldn’t compensate for? The narrowness and intensity of the preoccupation points that way, at least, and you make no mention of his being like this in any way before.
If he won’t cooperate — with talk, with screening and with treatment as appropriate — then your options are limited, unfortunately, to steps you can take unilaterally, but you do have a lot of room to make clear to him what the stakes are for you emotionally.
And you have room to follow through on doing what you need to make a healthy and appealing life for yourself, including to suggest replacing some furniture with distressed styles; living in your home and on your furniture as you see fit, after stating beforehand your intent to do so; seeking therapy, solo if he won’t go with you; and, after you feel satisfied that you’ve exhausted all other avenues to make your home feel like home again, exploring separation. I hope for both of your sakes that he’s open to addressing the problem well before it comes to that.
Dear Carolyn:
I’m leaving my job to head to graduate school, and at my goodbye party, a group of my superiors chipped in and gave me $500. This feels strange. Of course they didn’t say it came with any strings. Can I take this gift?
— Taking Money
If they gave you a watch or some other, more traditional parting gift, then you’d accept it, right? And write a nice thank-you note? This sounds to me like a particularly useful substitute for an office goodbye — or good luck or happy-retirement — gift. Accept and enjoy.
—Washington Post Writers Group
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