Summertime on the home front is always a challenging time for teens and their parents. With less structure and more free time, kids are sure to test the limits. It’s a challenge for moms and dads.
At 15, I knew everything. At 16, I could do anything. In my eyes, my parents grew dumber every year I grew smarter. What could they know? Their adolescence was a distant, faded memory, like worn-out jeans thrown away long ago. I could no more picture them as pimply peers than I could imagine letting them know my innermost thoughts.
Truth be told, I was no model teenager. I was an indifferent student who preferred to read long, depressing Russian novels rather than go to school. (Now the truth is out — I was a high school truancy officer’s nightmare!) Ancient black-and-white photos show an angry, sullen young man. When I look at those photos through my parents’ eyes, how they must have worried.
Adolescence is a developmental period marked by continual instability and volcanic upheaval. Level-headed 11-year-olds become impulsive 13-year-olds. One minute teenagers are mature responsible youngsters, and the next minute they’re a pack of giggly 6-year-olds.
Biology is the main culprit here. The biological alarm clock of early adolescence wakes everyone up.
Each developmental period has its own unique goals. The tasks of adolescence are to: separate from parents, develop a unique sense of self, exercise judgment (including bad judgment!), develop more mature relationships with others and make it alive to adulthood.
This last one is no joke. Every year, particularly around graduation, a number of teens are killed in auto accidents. Thankfully, the overwhelming majority of kids do make it into adulthood — bodies and minds intact.
Adolescence strains the parent-child relationship. Fathers and mothers mourn their loss of control and authority. Ah, life was so much easier when you could simply pick them up and put them in their room.
Unfortunately, there is no list of how-tos that will still the rough waters of adolescence. They are simply stormy seas that must be navigated. However, here are some important points to remember.
Teens still need adult authority and limits — even if it is only to rebel against. Older teenagers are absolutely sure they don’t need adult supervision. After all, they’re all knowing. They’re positive that nothing bad can happen to them. But we know better. It’s our job to put up the guard rails.
Keep the doors of communication open, even when your adolescent keeps hers shut. Insist on family meals at least once or twice a week. Create opportunities to spend time with your teens — take them out for burgers and ice cream. Give them an opportunity to talk to you.
Parents need to be there when their kids fall flat on their faces, even when their youngsters tell them to get lost. The parents of teens are like on-call doctors. When you’re needed, it’s important to show up. And you’re on call 24/7, 365 days a year!
Trust but verify. Teenagers are always looking for holes in the fence to slide through. Expect that they will find those holes, but keep your eyes open and plug up as many as you can. That’s part of the job.
It’s true — parents grow up with their children. Teens make the bumpy passage from childhood to adulthood. Parents hold onto their seats with white knuckles showing. When I reflect on my own teen years, I realize that it was the struggle that was important, not the outcome of every debate or run-in.
I needed my parents to fight with me, to demand more from me, to insist that I come home at a reasonable hour and to pull in the reins when I didn’t.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www.everettclinic.com/health-wellness-library.html.
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