Ex-etiquette: Should her ex be welcome in my home?

  • By Jann Blackstone Tribune News Service (TNS)
  • Wednesday, September 11, 2019 1:49pm
  • Life

By Jann Blackstone

Tribune News Service

Q: Should my wife’s ex-husband be welcomed in my home as if it were his? I think when he picks up his son he can wait at the door or in his truck. Is there any reason he should be allowed to wait inside until he is ready to leave? His son is 12-years-old so the child can carry his own bag out. Do you think I am overreacting? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: I think people ask me if they are overreacting when they know they are overreacting. If you didn’t, why would you ask?

I believe in looking for ways to eliminate animosity and uncomfortable feelings, particularly at exchanges when the child is present. That’s the reason I developed the Ten Rules of Good Ex-etiquette for Parents. Although you may not realize it, you are a parent now. The rules will help you maneuver through the trials associated with your new identity.

That said, there are all sorts of qualifiers you might want to look at. First, “be welcomed in my home as if it were his.” Would you feel that way if a friend came to your door? Now, granted, I know your wife’s ex may not be regarded as a friend, but that’s my point. Would you require a friend to sit in his truck thinking that if he waited in your home he was treating it as if it were his? Doubtful. I think this is because this man was once married to your wife and she’s yours now — and so is the home. It’s about ownership and territory. It’s not about love and acceptance — two key points that must be present if you want a second marriage work.

“Oh,” you say. “But, this is not my second marriage.” It isn’t yours, but it is hers.

You can’t approach subsequent relationships like they are first time romances — the past does follow you — in the form of children and their fathers or mothers and their extended family and all those prickly relationships you wish weren’t there but are because you fell in love with someone who had children.

Here’s the best advice I can give you — you make your life. Make it easy on your wife to share her child with his father and she will be forever grateful. It will make your union a far happier one and she will be devoted to you because you saw the big picture and loved her child. Promote love, include her child, don’t call him “the child” or “his child” and you will have a partner for life. Continue down the same road you are on and you are signing your own marriage epitaph. You may not be saying it out loud, but your actions are asking her to choose you or her child — not her ex, but her child. She may stay for the time being, but she may also leave when she can no longer stand the pain your attitude will cause her and her son. It will not be worth continuing the relationship.

So, with that, may I suggest you pull up a chair, visit the Bonus Families website, particularly the Ex-etiquette Department, and start reading. You have a lot of work to do. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Brandon Hailey of Cytrus, center, plays the saxophone during a headlining show at Madam Lou’s on Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 in Seattle, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Lynnwood-based funk octet Cytrus has the juice

Resilience and brotherhood take center stage with ‘friends-first’ band.

FILE - In this April 11, 2014 file photo, Neko Case performs at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif. Fire investigators are looking for the cause of a fire on Monday, Sept. 18, 2017, that heavily damaged Case’s 225-year-old Vermont home. There were no injuries, though a barn was destroyed. It took firefighters two hours to extinguish the blaze. (Photo by Scott Roth/Invision/AP, File)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Singer-songwriter Neko Case, an indie music icon from Tacoma, performs Sunday in Edmonds.

The Moonlight Swing Orchestra will play classic sounds of the Big Band Era on April 21 in Everett. (submitted photo)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Relive the Big Band Era at the Port Gardner Music Society’s final concert of the season in Everett.

2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD (Honda)
2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD

Honda cedes big boy pickup trucks to the likes of Ford, Dodge… Continue reading

Would you want to give something as elaborate as this a name as mundane as “bread box”? A French Provincial piece practically demands the French name panetiere.
A panetiere isn’t your modern bread box. It’s a treasure of French culture

This elaborately carved French antique may be old, but it’s still capable of keeping its leavened contents perfectly fresh.

(Judy Newton / Great Plant Picks)
Great Plant Pick: Mouse plant

What: Arisarum proboscideum, also known as mouse plant, is an herbaceous woodland… Continue reading

Bright green Japanese maple leaves are illuminated by spring sunlight. (Getty Images)
Confessions of a ‘plantophile’: I’m a bit of a junky for Japanese maples

In fact, my addiction to these glorious, all-season specimens seems to be contagious. Fortunately, there’s no known cure.

2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited (Hyundai)
2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited

The 2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited is a sporty, all-electric, all-wheel drive sedan that will quickly win your heart.

The 2024 Dodge Hornet R/T hybrid’s face has the twin red lines signifying the brand’s focus on performance. (Dodge)
2024 Hornet R/T is first electrified performance vehicle from Dodge

The all-new compact SUV travels 32 miles on pure electric power, and up to 360 miles in hybrid mode.

chris elliott.
Vrbo promised to cover her rental bill in Hawaii, so why won’t it?

When Cheryl Mander’s Vrbo rental in Hawaii is uninhabitable, the rental platform agrees to cover her new accommodations. But then it backs out. What happened?

Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
Tangier’s market boasts piles of fruits, veggies, and olives, countless varieties of bread, and nonperishables, like clothing and electronics.
Rick Steves on the cultural kaleidoscope of Tangier in Morocco

Walking through the city, I think to myself, “How could anyone be in southern Spain — so close — and not hop over to experience this wonderland?”

Don’t blow a bundle on glass supposedly made by the Henry William Stiegel

Why? Faked signatures, reused molds and imitated styles can make it unclear who actually made any given piece of glass.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.