If you don’t know them well, good parents can make you nervous. There is rhythm in the ways they stay close to or let go of their children, ebb and flow in the ways they provide safety and encourage exploration.
In their experiences together, parents and their children develop a zone of proximal development in which children’s skills are at their highest peak and in which they also develop their intuition. Skilled parents do that even when they don’t know what zone of proximal development means.
Before I actually met Kai, who’s 14 months old, and his parents, I felt nervous when I watched him toddle towards the stairs that led down from the deck at Holden Village.
Erik, Kai’s father, was a few steps behind him and out of my view. He watched closely as Kai stood pondering what to do at the top of the stairs. “Kai, turn around,” his father said, apparently reminding him how he had gone down stairs before.
As Kai began to turn, his father was quickly there to protect him from a fall down the stairs should he lose his balance. But Kai grabbed the pole holding the handrail and began to back safely down the steps.
A child’s zone of proximal development is an almost tangible distance from their parents at which they have a sense of confidence that allows them to most fully use their skills. The distance allows them to safely explore and experiment in the world that, as far as they can tell, is separate from their parents.
Most parents have seen this zone in their young children. Children under age 1 may scoot under their own power into the next room and cry when they suddenly cannot see their parents. Often they will be reassured by simply hearing their parent’s voice: “You’re OK” or “I’m right here.”
The zone increases as children get older and the length of time grows in which they are comfortable when their parents are out of their sight. But for many older children and teenagers, it continues to be reassuring to hear their parents say, “Call me when you get there” or “I will call you if I am going to be late.” The rhythm of staying close and having distance changes, but it is a rhythm nevertheless.
That zone offers parents a peak opportunity to help their children develop healthy intuition about their own safety.
If parents are close, even young children are safe talking with strangers if they want to. But parents help them build their intuition if they ask their children about the contact with the stranger. What was their voice like? What did they talk about? What was it like for you to talk to them?
Parents can then comment on a few of their own observations. “He seemed very relaxed when he talked with you,” for example.
Parents can talk with their children about some things that can happen when children are in their zone of proximal development by using “what if” questions. A parent might ask, “What would you have done if all of a sudden we couldn’t see each other while we were in the store?”
It is worth waiting to see what the child answers to such a question and then add just a little bit to whatever they already know or think about. A good and safe answer to that particular question is for the child to approach a woman and tell her, “I can’t find my mother. Will you help?” It works especially well and is even more safe if the woman already has a child with her.
These kinds of conversations encourage children to pay close attention to their feelings. They learn to pay attention to what they see, hear or smell – their observations. They learn it is OK to talk with their parents about their thoughts, feelings and observations, and they hear the thoughts and feelings of others. They are building their intuition with their parents’ help.
As children get older and spend more time away from their parents, the talks they have when they come home become older versions of the same kind of conversation. They extend their zone of proximal development so that as teenagers they can better use their intuition. It increases their chances of making safer judgments and decisions.
More than any specific rules, the safety of children and teenagers will often depend on their abilities and courage to honestly observe what is going on around them and inside them. An important part of their honesty can be the experiences and conversations they have with their parents while they are in their personal zone of proximal development.
Bill France, a father of three, is a child advocate in the criminal justice system and has worked as director of clinical programs at Luther Child Center in Everett. You can send e-mail to bill@billfrance.com.
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