Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
My wife and I were asked by family members if, should they die, we would take their kids. We said we wanted to think about it, and after a few days came back to them and said we would, but we first wanted to know a few things, like the details of their life insurance policies, whether they have savings set aside for their kids’ college, etc. The family members’ response was, “You know what? If it’s all about money to you, forget it.” They are now not returning our phone calls. Were we wrong to bring up money? Is there something we need to do to patch things up?
— Guardian
If it were up to me to arbitrate this, I’d say yes, you were right to agree to be guardians; no, you weren’t wrong to bring up money; yes, you were wrong to attach a “but first” between the yes and the money. That does imply that you’d say no to helping these kids if you had to use your own money to do it, which isn’t quite the message any parent wants to hear.
But. Big but: It’s not up to me to arbitrate this, and it’s not up to you, either, because the “not returning our phone calls” is in charge of absolutely everything now — which is why I’m beginning to think the Complete Discussion Lockdown is the No. 1 most abused weapon in all human interaction.
If they don’t give you a chance to explain yourselves, then how does anyone in this situation move forward? At worst, an open follow-up discussion would confirm their low opinion of you and they could go back to ousting you from their lives. At best, you all stand to gain a better relationship than you had before this blowup if it’s just a matter of your saying, “Wait, I think I phrased that poorly — of course we’d make sure your kids were well cared for. I just wanted to know the full scope of that responsibility.” There’s nothing, nothing to lose by talking.
Which makes me wonder, always, why people go silent without first allowing for reconciliation. There has to be something in it for these family members of yours to create and sustain a grudge. If it didn’t satisfy something in them, then they’d do the obvious and call you back.
Re: Guardian:
The question about resources to care for children who may require guardians is entirely appropriate. And, anyone doing any sort of comprehensive estate planning should be having multiple conversations at once. We had to select our own proxies to make health-care decisions as well as financial decisions. And, a trust was set up for the financial welfare of any children who may require guardians. The friends who were gracious enough to accept these assignments were provided with a large envelope with every piece of information they should need, including copies of our wills. The advising, assembly and filing of the appropriate legal documents took about a month and cost less than $425. A bargain.
— Anonymous
Amen, and thanks.
Washington Post Writers Group
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