Guide meant to make perfect parents laugh

  • By Samantha Critchell / Associated Press
  • Monday, January 10, 2005 9:00pm
  • Life

Many parents teach their children that stereotyping is bad. It fuels divisiveness, they’ll say.

That might be true – but so might the stereotypes.

In “The Perfect Parents Handbook,” Jennifer Conlin pokes fun at all the people she sees at the playground. They all fall into one of nine categories: classic, hip, power, sporty, neotraditional, bohemian, Euro, martyr and paranoid.

“I’ve met all these types,” said Conlin, who did her research over 13 years at the playground as she watched her three children, now 13, 9 and 7, grow up.

She adds: “I didn’t have to make one thing up.”

As described in the book, classic parents, who take their kids to Stratton, Vt., every winter and Nantucket, Mass., every summer, worry about getting their children to behave at the country club Christmas party with the grandparents, while hybrid car-driving bohemian parents exert a lot of energy keeping their children away from anyone with an infectious disease since they haven’t been vaccinated.

Paranoid parents barely let their kids out of the house, let alone their sight, and sporty parents struggle to get along with coaches, referees and fellow team parents as they do laps around the track with their Baby Jogger stroller.

“Parenthood is a lifestyle. What you push, what kind of stroller you have, is as much a statement about you as what you drive. You can walk into a home and classify what kind of parents they are by the stuff that surrounds them,” Conlin said.

The kids are then trained to fall in line from a young age, she said; it’s why some children take fables and legends classes after school while others are at photography class.

There seems to be only thing that transcends most of the groups: the Gap. Classic Dad wears the khakis and Hip Dad wears the gray T-shirt; Neotrad Mom has the Gap capri pants while her daughter has the backpack. Of course, the Euro family, clad in Dior, Tod’s and Jimmy Choo, wouldn’t be caught dead in such gear.

Conlin said she picks mostly on the upper middle class, which has made a sport out of “perfect parenting.”

(When it comes to poor or struggling families, Conlin said she sees nothing funny about parents juggling multiple jobs, trying to put food on the table.)

People tell her she’s a “neotrad” parent, probably since she aspires to “do it all” but doesn’t always have the means or the ways. Conlin, however, also says she can be a bit martyrish and a bit sporty, which is why she had a hard time understanding why her daughter didn’t want to play field hockey.

Most of these parenting styles were cooked up by baby boomers who need to define and analyze every aspect of their lives, according to Conlin. The previous generation was too busy trying to keep up with the Joneses.

“When our parents were raising us, ‘parenting’ wasn’t a verb,” she said.

“Parenting is so much about ourselves now, and I’m asking myself, ‘Are we parenting for each other rather than our kids?’”

She’s not faulting modern parents, though. Mothers and fathers, whether they’re neotrads sitting on the front porch of their charming-but-run-down home in Evanston, Ill., or power parents breezing in and out of their five-bedroom pad in Manhattan’s Upper East Side, they’re doing everything out of a basic love for their children.

Even slacker parents, who infiltrate every group, have the best intentions. “They’re the ones who put nuts in the cookies,” Conlin said with a laugh.

“Slackers can be in every group. They don’t give time to competition but they do give time to their kids. … If you’re trying too hard, you’re not enjoying parenting or your kids. Maybe slackers have the right idea. I’m happy to know the slacker moms that I do – and their kids are great!”

The point of the handbook, Conlin explained, isn’t to be cruel or critical; it’s supposed to make parents laugh.

“However you are raising your children is what you think is the right way to raise your children. It’s serious stuff, and you can’t stop the madness, but you can take one moment to laugh at yourself and the others around you – who are also taking themselves v-e-r-y seriously,” she said.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

2024 Toyota Tacoma TRD Off-Road 4x4 Double Cab (Provided by Toyota).
2024 Toyota Tacoma is a total redesign

The fourth-generation model of the mid-size pickup is better than ever

Explorer Platinum photo provided by Ford Media Center.
2025 Ford Explorer Platinum Includes BlueCruise Hands-Free Driving

Redesigned Exterior And Interior Add More Value

Photo provided courtesy of Nissan USA Newsroom
Iconic Z Car Adds Track-Ready NISMO grade

2024 Z NISMO Amplifies The Sports Car Experience

2025 Honda Civic Sedan Hybrid Sport Touring (Provided by Honda).
2025 Honda Civic lineup welcomes new hybrid variants

The Civic Hybrid is available in sedan and hatchback body styles.

Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Send calendar submissions for print and online to features@heraldnet.com. To ensure your… Continue reading

2025 Hyundai Tucson Hybrid compact SUV (Provided by Hyundai).
2025 Hyundai Tucson Hybrid is updated inside and out

A new infotainment system, and safety technology enhancements are included.

Photo provided by Mercedes-Benz Media USA.
Mercedes AMG C 63 S E Performance Delivers Formula 1 Speed, Power And Control

671 HP, 3.3 Seconds 0-To-60 MPH, And 155 MPH Top Speed

The dark days ahead…

It’s hard not to notice the sun is setting earlier and rising… Continue reading

From left: Tina Tang, Autrina Martindale, Kendra Montgomery and Kitaka Makarin. Photo courtesy of Pitch Black Entertainment and Events.
Take a Stand for Women’s Heart Health at the Inaugural Freedom Run 2024 5k

Walk, run, or volunteer to raise awareness for women’s wellness this October!

Reverend Peyton’s Big Damn Band performs during Cumberland Wild in Cumberland Village on Aug. 17, 2019. Marissa Tiel/ Campbell River Mirror
Marissa Tiel / Campbell River Mirror
Reverend Peyton’s Big Damn Band plays the Historic Everett Theatre on Friday.
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Send calendar submissions for print and online to features@heraldnet.com. To ensure your… Continue reading

2025 CX-70 photo provided by Mazda USA Newsroom
New Mazda CX-70 Prioritizes Cargo Space Over Third-Row

Versatility And Function Without Sacrificing Creature Comforts

2024 Jeep Wrangler two-door Rubicon (Photo provided by Jeep).
2024 Jeep Wrangler is a paradox

Despite shortcomings, this classic Jeep is irresistible

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.