How to balance nuturing and enabling

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

I sometimes have a hard time discerning when to listen to my daughter and when to move the fainting sofa. I don’t want to suppress her but I can’t stand the day-to-day drama of ultimately trivial problems. It probably doesn’t help that my family moved to the U.S. to avoid persecution in our old country (my father was a prisoner/slave laborer for years) and that your waffles are a little burned is actually not that important to me. Any ideas?

— Feeling Unsure

It can be hard to discern the line between validating and enabling, especially since some kids tend to the dramatic, so it can be tempting to see all validation as buying in to drama. The drama is in them, though, and it’s not your place to fix it; it’s just important to find and hold the listen/fainting sofa line.

I place that line between real pain and bummers, and call each by name. Burned waffle? “Bummer — I don’t like burned ones either.” When, say, a friend is cruel to her: “I’m so sorry — I can see how hurt you are.”

Once named, bummers can be minimized: “But, hey, it’s a waffle — I think you’ll live.” Then no further indulgence. Once you’re confident your child feels safe expressing real pain and recognizes bummers for what they are, then you can go straight to humor. “Burned waffle?!! Everyone to the fainting couch!!”

Once named, a pain cannot be minimized. A hug is a compassionate response, as is just listening. (“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk,” Faber/Mazlish is good on this.) Also gently encourage your daughter toward self-healing — “I’ve got a little time — would you like to [a favorite activity of hers here]?” — then follow her lead.

Re: Feelings:

I think the key here is not to tell someone how they are feeling. It drives me nuts when I hear people say (usually to their kids), “Oh, that doesn’t hurt” or “It’s not that big of a deal.” Obviously it is to the person who is upset. We all feel things differently.

— Anonymous

Right, thank you. And when it or something like it slips out, you can actually go back and say, “I’m sorry I said that, because it clearly mattered to you.”

I don’t advise that enough, to go back and get it right, especially with kids. Our reflexive responses often aren’t our best ones, yet they have high impact on kids.

Re: Go Back:

But how do you train yourself to do this? I find myself in this position and often say to myself, “Oh it’s too late to say anything.”

— Anonymous 2

You ask yourself, “In their place, would I want my parents to say something to me?”

Re: Apologizing to kids:

I remember once I was running errands with my dad and I dropped an envelope I was supposed to mail. He noticed a few hours later and really yelled at me for being careless.

A few days later he apologized for overreacting and I still remember it 20-plus years after that. Sometimes the adults are at fault, and it made a difference to know he’d admit that.

— Anonymous 3

Perfect illustration, thanks, of why validation matters so much.