Joey started dating Melissa. After a few dates, these two felt a great connection. But Melissa started wondering — was he dating other women? She felt angry if he talked to one of his woman friends. And if someone called him while they were together, she was convinced it was another woman. She stole glances at his cellphone.
She was descending into the depths of that hell called “the green monster” — jealousy.
I can’t say that I’ve ever experienced jealousy or have a sense of its inner landscape. I’m more likely to think the best of others — sometimes to a fault. But I’ve met many couples and adults who have been plagued by its furies. It’s an irrational, burning emotion that eats away at your insides. It can set off behaviors that become a self-fulfilling prophecy by pushing away the very person you desire.
The basis of jealousy, which appears to go back to the caveman days, may have had an evolutionary function — to ensure paternity, social cohesion and survival of the group. There is no doubt that humans are “pack” animals, much like our canine friends, and there’s jockeying in small groups to see who the “alpha” male or female will be. The stronger, more aggressive alpha animals help protect the pack from potential threats.
Today, there’s little need for these primal reflexes. But they’ve not evolved out of our hunter-gatherer bodies.
Sometimes these feelings stem from painful early experiences of rejection in adolescent relationships. First relationships are very important in establishing the groundwork for future expectations. Having been “cheated” on as a teen, adults may fear that they will have a repetition of this painful experience.
Some adults seem to be trapped in their early adolescence. I’ve noticed that some people never seem to graduate from middle school. They’re stuck in seventh grade — replete with petty jealousy and flirtatious behavior.
Certainly, adults prone to jealousy are more anxious, insecure and sensitive to injury than their less envious counterparts. Jealousy is highly correlated with emotional instability. These mistrustful adults struggle with low self-esteem. To some degree they feel that their partner will discover their inadequacy and will want to be with someone who they value more.
Probably the most destructive component of jealousy is the attempt to control the behavior of the adult’s partner. Individuals will secretly follow their partner, look at their cellphone, email and listen in on calls. These behaviors can destroy a relationship.
Men and women may flirt with others to make themselves appear more desirable to their potential partner. Not a good idea if you don’t want to let loose the green monster.
So, what can a jealous person do?
Acknowledge your feelings. It’s important to be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling. Take an inventory of your observations of the other person, but look closely at your conclusions. How do you know they’re true? Talk with your romantic interest, but not in an accusing way. Acknowledge your insecurities without demanding reassurance. This is hard. It’s difficult to sit in that anxious feeling. But if you do, it will dissipate.
Don’t act on your fears. Just because you are feeling scared, don’t try to either reassure yourself or prove yourself right by playing Sherlock Holmes. You will only push the other person away.
Find other ways of coping with your anxiety. Learn relaxation techniques, breathe, exercise, distract yourself, or meditate. Accept that this is your anxiety and that you must find a way of coping with it.
Get help. Therapy can be very helpful. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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