By Carolyn Hax / The Washington Post
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
I agreed to it when my husband, “Steve,” asked if his niece could stay with us over the summer. “Samantha” is a recent college graduate, and she’s stayed with us before for one or two weeks during school breaks. We have two kids, in high school and middle school, and school is back in full swing. Samantha has a low-paying, part-time job, and is looking for a full-time job and considering graduate school.
Samantha now wants to stay “until she gets on her own two feet.” Her parents don’t live in the States but she could easily rent a room with her peers.
It’s been over three months and I feel like we’ve been more than gracious hosting her, cooking, taking her on a trip and providing for her needs without expecting anything in return. We are a busy family, the kids have multiple sports and activities during the week, we both work full time, and this is now causing tension in the family. Steve and Samantha’s dad are really close, and Steve has a hard time saying no. I’m ready to end Samantha’s “summer vacation.”
It’s not the money or the space. I just don’t want to be responsible for a young adult; it opens up a different set of challenges and issues.
How do I put a deadline on this without being rude, and without damaging our marriage?
— Ready
A deadline isn’t rude. It’s your home, so you and husband theoretically could — if he agreed to it — simply say no to her request to extend her stay.
The nice way to do it is to say something that is both kind and honest, and then be direct. Maybe: “We have really enjoyed getting to know you over these past three months. We just need to get our household back to its routine. We will be happy to help you find another place, though.”
If Steve’s merely uncomfortable with this, then you volunteer to be the messenger. If Steve is completely opposed to kicking Samantha out, then ask him where he’d draw the line on her stay, if anywhere, then work toward each other from there to a time frame you both can bear.
As I read your question, though, all I could think was: You both work full time, your kids have multiple sports and activities … so why isn’t Samantha driving and cooking and (ugh) grocery-shopping for you, as part of the terms of her living in your home? Why are you “hosting” and “providing for [the] needs” of a productive, fully grown person who is no longer a guest, but instead someone who considers your household her home?
An adult — even a young one — is not your responsibility, and she doesn’t become that just for living under your roof.
I realize I’m biased. But as someone in your position almost exactly, the idea of a third adult — family no less! — to help run the family machinery just sounds like bliss to me.
— Washington Post Writers Group
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