Is couples therapy with a controlling spouse ever a good idea?

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Hi, Carolyn:

You warned a writer with a controlling husband against couples therapy, suggesting that a controller can even take advantage in that setting. But isn’t a good therapist supposed to be able to handle and see through that kind of behavior?

I ask because I have some similar issues with my partner, though perhaps not severe, and my own therapist is recommending couple’s therapy with a different therapist. I don’t feel that our issues can be addressed any other way.

— Anonymous

Everyone’s situation is different; perhaps your therapist believes the control issues aren’t severe enough for you to be at risk. Certainly ask this question in your next session, before you proceed either way.

That said, I think you’re asking a lot of therapists. (My definition of self-care: watching Janice’s therapy sessions in Season 4 of “The Sopranos.”) A skilled manipulator can be quite persuasive — plus, I’d be wary of a professional who was so certain of his or her skills as to believe s/he couldn’t be fooled. Hubris generally does not serve people well on any job.

Also, you don’t need to take my word for this. The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website covers it: http://bit.ly/HotlineDont.

So. Revisit this with your therapist, consider a second opinion — and give some careful thought to whether being controlled to any degree is something you want out of life.

Hi, Carolyn:

I am a relatively new mom and I’d love your wisdom on seeking friendship as a mom. I find it tough tackling mom groups and making new friends as a talkative introvert. In an effort to meet more moms and socialize, I have formed a local neighborhood mom group for weekend walks to the park, and I signed up my daughter for swim classes.

However, I still struggle with forging closer relationships with other moms because the conversation always revolves around the kids, or we don’t have time to get together sans children. I would love your ideas for where to meet other moms, and whether I am being impatient in this new chapter in my life.

— New Mom

Wait — you’re a mom?

You sound impatient, yes, but I’m a complete slug and probably wouldn’t even show up for the mom group, much less form one, even while feeling just as starved for friendship as you are. So take me with more than the usual grain of salt.

The less needy your kids become as they get older, the more energy (and general selfhood) you’ll have to contribute to the process of making friends. Plus, not having a kid strapped to your chest helps with not talking about kids.

Re: MomMomMom:

The new mom used the word “mom” eight times. I suggest she focus on non-mom things (books, clubs, sports, parks, church, animals or people in need … ) for the few hours per week she might have free. I’ve had good luck making friends with women of all ages outside of the toddler-mom cloud of frantic exhaustion.

— Anonymous

True — seeking only new moms is a strange way to get away from talking too much about kids.