What’s a huge source of household conflict? Chore wars.
A friend recently shared with me her biggest cause of marital stress — her husband’s lack of household help. She’s a full-time working mom with two boys and a girl, and she feels like she’s responsible for the lion’s share of household duties. “He’s a great dad, and the kids love him, but I can’t count on him to help with meals or laundry.” Both parents work full time and let’s face it, there’s a lot to do.
When she chews him out, he likes to say, “But I do help you! You don’t appreciate all the things I do!” He doesn’t realize that he just stuck his foot in his mouth. “Helping” is not the same as “taking responsibility” for something. It suggests that he’s doing his wife “a favor” rather than seeing himself as an equal partner in maintaining their household.
There’s more. Her idea of doing the laundry is folding it and putting it away. His idea of doing the laundry is piling up the clean clothes on each kid’s bed. His idea of dinner is waiting for his wife to come home. Or, even better, ordering pizza. Her idea involves planning, shopping, preparing, and cleaning up. And this list goes on.
Does this sound like you’ve heard this before? In our household, I do most of the cooking and I like the kitchen to be cleaned a certain way. My wife has a different idea of clean counters. My idea of a clean bathroom is also different than hers. She thinks the mirrors should be cleaned too. How do bathroom mirrors get dirty?
It’s true. It’s a fact of human relationships that opposites attract. And then spouses spend the next 20 years trying to get the other person to be like them. Take the word of a guy who’s been married for 47 years. It doesn’t work.
Some of this domestic discord has to do with how we’re raised. As a mid-20th-century man, my father did very little around the house. He would go into his study, close the door, and we wouldn’t see him for hours. My mother did most of everything else. I don’t remember him doing any housework other than outside lawn work.
Growing up with this division of labor might encourage both men and women to replicate this arrangement in 2023. Women feel responsible for household duties, and men “help” when they want to. The big difference: Today, lots of moms work too.
In this new equation, different rules apply.
Divide and conquer. Sit down and map out all of the household responsibilities—daily, weekly, monthly, and seasonal ones. Divide a piece of paper by all the members of the family (kids too) and divide up the work. Make it clear who will do each job, when it will be done, and what constitutes “completed.” (In my case, cleaning the bathroom mirrors). Start kids at an early age with tasks they can do. And keep on it. This division of labor can and will change, but make sure that it’s explicit.
People do things differently. This is very important. My wife’s idea of a clean kitchen is different from mine, but I rarely say anything about it. If I want it to look different before I start cooking, I will make it how I want it, but I will keep my mouth shut (well…most of the time). It is important to accept that your husband or wife may do things differently, and it’s important to accept this basic fact. It’s OK to have a general discussion about what “completed” means, but don’t expect every job to look the way you might do it.
Check in regularly. Regular family meetings are great opportunities to revisit responsibilities and provide feedback.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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