Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
My former best friends treated me horribly in the year after my divorce and stopped speaking to me completely several months ago. I have heard through the grapevine that they would like to apologize, and I would like to hear them out, but I’m not sure what I want out of it. I miss them terribly, but I am still really hurt and I’m not sure it’s possible to go back to “the way things were.” I am scared that they will hurt me again.
They are still very close with my ex, who was emotionally abusive to me, and it stings quite a bit to hear about vacations they take together. How do I decide what I want out of the relationship and how to move forward?
— Rebuilding
There is nothing to get out of anything here, at least not yet. Grapevine developments are not developments.
And who discusses this publicly, anyway? Doesn’t a person who wants to apologize simply contact you and issue said apology?
That alone makes them sound like weak approximations of friends at best, without even factoring in the “treated me horribly when my life went to crap” stuff.
And the “friends with my emotionally abusive ex” stuff. The only reason I’m not telling you to celebrate being well rid of all of these people is that emotional abuse that’s unmistakable within a couple can be invisible to those outside it. And if their loyalties were to you both, then they can legitimately have been suckered by the stronger side in a he-said-she-said campaign.
Sigh.
If they do approach you, OK, then listen to what they say. Maybe the proper response to them will be so obvious in the moment that any time spent preparing one in advance will have been wasted. This could go both ways, too — that their words are so enlightened and healing that forgiveness and acceptance are automatic, or their words are so self-serving that you look at your watch and ask if that’s it.
If it’s in between and you’re not sure, then thank them and say you need time to think.
Really, though — this is all an answer that’s still waiting for its question to happen.
You can’t go wrong with living your life as if it won’t happen, and then being pleasantly surprised when it does.
Or, I suppose mildly annoyed or amused when it does. Again: Stepping back a bit, doesn’t this all seem a little more high-schooley than befits people old enough to be married and divorced? “They” would like to apologize? You “heard”? What, after they all go to the bathroom together at the dance?
The hard work of starting over might not sound appealing to you now, but I suspect in time you’ll find the results to have been worth whatever it took.
— Washington Post Writers Group
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