Our tushies have been tingling at movie theaters this fall, and it’s not just all that Pilates. It’s that time of year when Hollywood sends out its Oscar bait and tests our endurance with a batch of bloated releases, such as:
“The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford”
Running time: 160 minutes
The gist: The story of legendary outlaw Jesse James (Brad Pitt). In theaters.
Why so long?: With such a mouthful of a title, a long film is only fitting.
“Sweeney Todd”
Running time: 160 minutes
The gist: Johnny Depp stars as the demon barber of Fleet Street in this musical, based on Stephen Sondheim’s stage version. Opens Christmas Day.
Why so long?: Johnny, haven’t you had enough screen time this year? The last “Pirates of the Caribbean” lasted 168 minutes, and now this? Some time should have been shaved off in Tim Burton’s cutting room.
“Lust, Caution”
Running time: 157 minutes
The gist: An erotic espionage thriller by director Ang Lee (“Brokeback Mountain”) set in World War II China. In theaters.
Why so long?: Stamina.
“Southland Tales”
Running Time: 160 minutes
The gist: Imagines the apocalypse on July 4, 2008, in Los Angeles and stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Seann William Scott, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Mandy Moore, Cheri Oteri, Jon Lovitz, Kevin Smith, John Larroquette … shall we go on? Opens Nov. 9.
Why so long?: Too much ambition. Variety calls it “a pretentious, overreaching, fatally unfocused fantasy about American fascism, radical rebellion, nuclear terrorism and apocalypse.” (We’re hoping for a 90-minute reduced DVD version that just stars Cheri Oteri in a wacky tale of nuclear terrorism.)
“American Gangster”
Running time: 157 minutes
The gist: Russell Crowe plays a cop trying to take down a big-time heroin dealer (Denzel Washington). Opens Nov. 2.
Why so long?: With director Ridley Scott’s rap sheet of inflated epics (“Gladiator” at 155 minutes and “Black Hawk Down” at 144 minutes), we should have realized his war on drugs would also be criminally long.
“Into the Wild”
Running time: 140 minutes
The gist: A young adventurer (Emile Hirsch) travels to Alaska; based on a true story, directed by Sean Penn. In theaters.
Why so long?: Starvation is a slow death, people. You know, as opposed to being eaten by a bear. (See 2005’s “Grizzly Man,” which clocked in at 103 minutes.)
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