EVERETT — Diana Cordray is concerned about her son.
In her early 40s and feeling left out of the parenting loop, the Lynnwood mother wants to know if her boisterous 4-year-old is normal.
His preschool teacher says he’s a smart, hands-on kid, but he has meltdowns at home, and Cordray worries attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder could play a role in his behavior.
"I want to know what signs to look for and how to cope with a restless, outgoing boy," she said.
Cordray was one of nearly 100 parents who sought answers to questions about their children’s behavior at a free community health forum recently at the Everett Public Library.
The forum paired presentations from a panel of experts with a question-and-answer session for parents. Experts included a local pediatrician, a clinical psychologist and a school counselor.
A number of local agencies sponsored the forum, including Group Health Cooperative, the Everett Public Library, Everett Public Schools, United Way of Snohomish County, United Way’s Success by 6, Parent Map and the YMCA of Snohomish County.
A similar forum was held last year in Bothell that organizers from Group Health said was heavily attended. Parents seem to want an outlet for education beyond the doctor’s office, said Pamela Selnes, a Group Health Cooperative administrator who manages Everett education programs.
"There’s a need out there for getting some education," Selnes said. " (The forum) gets people familiar with Group Health and it’s a good way for us to get to know the community and their needs."
The experts didn’t try to diagnose or treat specific problems so much as to provide general information and to direct parents toward resources.
"We do find there is a lot of sharing of information," Selnes added. "If someone here has the same issue or question about their child, they know they are like everybody else."
Parents’ questions ranged from a mother concerned about her 2-year-old still sleeping with a bottle to a young couple who had to take emergency custody of a 9-year-old relative abandoned by his mother.
Parents get "too much credit and too much blame" for how their children turn out, said Lewis Humphreys, a Group Health clinic child psychologist and forum panelist.
Although good parenting is important, it makes up only a small part of how a child behaves: The child’s temperament, developmental stage and environmental influences, such as peers and school experiences, play a much larger role, Humphreys told the audience. Children, for the most part, turn out like their parents.
"Think about a kid like an apple tree: You can prune it, but you can’t cut it down, put it in a bucket of sand and call it a palm tree," he said.
At his practice, Humphreys has seen children and adolescents dealing with a range of issues such as adjustment to a divorce, communication problems, anxiety disorders, depression, hyperactivity or autism.
"I do feel like I am seeing more issues now than at the beginning of my career," he said in a later interview. "I see things considered rare more often."
Although there might not be more danger or evil in the world today, children may perceive they are more at risk than earlier generations because information is more available in the media, he said.
"In our country, kids are dealing with more issues related to economic stability that haven’t been an issue for the majority of kids for at least a generation," Humphreys added.
Expert panelist Dr. Hervey Froehlich, a pediatrician at the Everett Group Health Clinic, encouraged parents to go to a doctor, a school counselor or a mental health professional if they are concerned about their child.
He warned that although the Internet can have good information, it is laced with "pseudo science."
Although the presentations stretched past an hour, parents couldn’t seem to get enough information. During the question-and-answer session, a recently divorced father of a 7-year-old wanted to know how to handle questions from his child about his ex-wife.
It’s ironic that divorced parents almost have to work together better than when they were married to raise children effectively, Humphreys told the father. He suggested answering children’s questions about what’s happening honestly, but to be careful about separating out adult issues.
Kids don’t need to know every detail, he added. They shouldn’t feel responsible for what’s happening or be a spy for the other parent. It is important children from divorced parents have a relationship with both, he said, and that takes a lot of cooperation.
Another father who works long hours worried that he was spoiling his children during the brief time he shared with them. Froehlich suggested establishing an activity or routine the children and father could share, while Humphreys emphasized the importance of setting limits.
After the question-and-answer session, parents swarmed to the front of the room to continue questioning the panelists. As Brenda Nordstrom’s husband made a beeline for Froehlich, the Marysville mother talked about her concerns for the couple’s 3-year-old daughter.
"We have a daughter who is very excitable and anxious and has some behavioral problems," said Nordstrom, who worries about her child waking up in the middle of the night and climbing into their bed. "We decided to come and see what other people have to say about it. … We learned that yelling isn’t good and we just need to be more consistent in the way we do things.
"It gave us a lot of information we didn’t get at the doctor’s."
Debra Smith is an Everett freelance writer. She may be reached by e-mail at dasmithwork@hotmail.com.
Talk to us
> Give us your news tips.
> Send us a letter to the editor.
> More Herald contact information.
