Summer is here and battle lines have been drawn. The Sunscreen War is in full force. The first major front is the grocery store, where parents risk paralysis by choice.
Mother No. 1: I was just reading something about coral reefs and sunscreen. What did it say? [Takes out phone.] Darn it! There’s no Wi-Fi. [Turns off Wi-Fi.] Come on phone, I don’t have all day. [Three minutes later.] Okay, the National Centers of Coastal Ocean Science says that benzophenone-2, also known as BP-2, kills coral reefs. Well, I don’t want to kill reefs, but we’re just going to the pool. [Reaches for brand her mom always bought.]
Mother No. 2: Don’t buy glue. Don’t buy glue. Don’t buy glue. If my husband smears sunscreen the consistency of paste on his face one more time I’ll never hear the end of it. [Picks up organic, mineral-based sunscreen.] This looks promising. It says right on the bottle it’s supposed to be easy to apply. I better try it out first to be sure. [Scans the aisle to see if anyone is watching before squirting some on arm.] Sweet! It goes on clear. [Turns bottle over to look at price tag.] $27 for one bottle? [Puts sunscreen back and buys glue.]
Sunscreen, or weapons of mass destruction? It’s so hard to tell the difference. But finding a bottle that is both Environmental Working Group approved and that also meets your budget is only one challenge. Slathering up kids is where the real battle begins.
Father: [In a cheery voice.] Time for sunscreen! Mom bought this cool new spray that should be easy to put on.
Four-year-old: I want the stick!
Father: We don’t have a stick right now, but we have this nice spray. [Demonstrates by spraying on his own arm.] See that? Piece of cake.
Four-year-old: Never! [Runs away.]
Father: Hey! Come back here. We can’t go to the park until you have sunscreen on. [Chases down kid and wrestles him to the ground.] Okay buddy, here we go. [Sprays as fast as possible.]
Four-year-old: My eyes! You got it in my eyes!
Father: I was nowhere near your eyes. I’ve only done your legs so far.
Four-year-old: I want the stick!
Father: [Raising voice.] We don’t have the stick.
Four-year-old: [Squirming.] I want Mom!
Father: And I don’t want you to be burnt. [Heroically sprays sunscreen all over child despite violent protests.]
Mother No. 1: What’s going on in here? Why don’t you use the stick I bought?
Father: [Untangling himself from child.] What do you mean? There wasn’t a stick.
Mother No. 1: It’s right here. [Walks to cabinet and retrieves sunscreen stick. Turns toward child.] Come on kiddo. Let’s use this stick on your face.
Four-year-old: I hate the stick! [Runs away.]
Brace yourself, soldiers. This summer could get hot. Stay calm, hydrate as much as possible and set your sights on victory.
Jennifer Bardsley is an Edmonds mom of two, and author of the book “Genesis Girl.” Find her online on Instagram @the_ya_gal, Twitter @jennbardsley or at teachingmybabytoread.com.
Talk to us
> Give us your news tips.
> Send us a letter to the editor.
> More Herald contact information.
