Parents should raise a child, not a gender

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

I noticed some commenters took issue with your suggestion that girls don’t have the deck stacked against them and shouldn’t be taught that they do. Could you expand on what you meant by that? Thanks.

— Commenter

To view (as this letter-writer did) a toddler’s playground push as sex discrimination was so bizarre to me; how prominent does that expectation have to be in the parent’s mind to go to that reflexively?

I don’t think it’s healthy to bring that (or any other) single-issue mindset to the raising of a child. Is there discrimination still against women? Yes, of course. And against people of color, and of minority religions, and with disabilities, and I can obviously keep going. I can throw in that boys are often cruelly socialized away from having and expressing feelings, dismissed as “soft” or “weak” if they slip and let their humanity show. That’s not a fair deal either.

We have all kinds of twisted ways of mentally ordering the world so that we feel secure in our expectations of it, and the groups with the upper hand — whatever they are, wherever they are — tend to make choices that serve the ends of maintaining that upper hand.

People absolutely need to be equipped to work with and against any disadvantages that might come with the way they’re categorized by their birth, and arguably people born into the less-empowered categories need their parents/guardians to be particularly mindful of upcoming challenges.

But if you were to ask me how I’d want to be raised — as a girl, or as a person? — then the answer would be a no-brainer. Don’t raise a gender, raise a me.

Re: Gender:

What is the best way to deal with your partner reducing your gender to a frequent vent of frustration, e.g., “all men [do this],” “all men [are this]”? I feel I am in a loving relationship with a person who says these things. But I really don’t know how to process it with her.

— Anonymous

Reflect back to her what she’s saying, and say how you feel about it.

It’s a terrible habit, and you’re right to see it as a branch of the same tree as in the column. It’s fundamental attribution error: If you’re part of “us,” your aims are noble and your misdeeds are innocent mistakes; if you’re part of “them,” your misdeeds are proof of evil intent. American politics circa 2017 is a sad example of where this can lead.

Re: Girls:

The why is less important than teaching them skills. A bad grade means you have to work harder, pay more attention, etc.: Even if it was because they were a girl, working harder is still good advice. Someone didn’t listen to them because they’re a girl? Again, teach them ways to be heard, stand up for themselves and be confident, self-assured and assertive. Hanging it all on “because you’re a girl” short-circuits a lot of great teaching moments.

— Anonymous

Re: Girls:

The mother is assuming the daughter needs extra protection because she’s a girl. This benevolent sexism can be just as limiting as the more explicit sexism we usually think of.

— Anon 2

Well said — my thanks to you both.