In just two years I have delivered three babies and recently finished breastfeeding the twins. I’m praying for an immaculate resurrection of my entire torso, but it hasn’t happened yet.
So when I was offered a role on “Californication” as David Duchovny’s new love interest, I accepted only if the producers would proffer me a body double. (Nudity occurs on “Californication” as often as smog in the city it’s set in.)
I then discover I will get to pick the gal whose body will perpetrate this fraud.
Photographs of “swimsuit ready” women arrive at my trailer — without swimsuits. The only parts of these temptresses that I can’t see is their faces, as the photos are from the neck down. Sitting in a trailer, staring at headless, nude, female bodies feels … beyond creepy. But even creepier is how fast I get used to it.
While analyzing other women’s striations and waxing choices, there is a knock. I immediately hide the photos, suddenly feeling protective of the body that will pretend to be mine, and knowing there is no good way to explain why I’m studying 8-by-10 glossies of unclothed women.
But my visitor is the person who took these photos. She is asking who I “want.”
When I point out my body of choice, the casting lady is silent. So what if the body I’ve chosen is slightly — OK, exponentially — more endowed than mine?
I feel somewhat scolded as I’m being told the naked body has to resemble my clothed body. The casting director points out which body looks like mine. I want to be mad, but it’s still a ridiculously perfect body she’s chosen.
Later when my better body introduces herself, I think: “Don’t speak, just be naked.” This mannequin is as stunning as her picture implied and her face is beautiful too, but when she opens her mouth … she’s an actual person. Which makes me so embarrassed!
I made up an entire personality for her, based on the neck down. Is this what happens to men when they look at women from afar? My fantasy double was brazen and wild, but standing in front of me and speaking, she is demure and sweet.
Can I just call off this body double stuff? The package is perfect, but it’s the “real person” thing that’s throwing me. She needs to go back to the suburbs before she defiles herself playing me.
Diane Farr is known for her roles in “Californication,” “Numb3rs” and “Rescue Me.”
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