Reaction to bachelorette party exposes different side of fiance

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

I’m getting married in a few weeks, and some friends and I just took an overnight bachelorette party trip. My fiance will be doing something similar (bachelor party) with his friends shortly before the wedding. Before this trip, I thought my fiance and I had an understanding that I would go on the trip, have slightly raunchy but responsible fun, come back, and resume my regular workaday life. I promised I would be safe and asked that he allow me that weekend just to enjoy the company of my girlfriends (and promised to do the same in return). That is what he agreed to and what I was expecting.

Instead, he was apparently overcome with anxiety while I was gone, and tried numerous times to contact me. He didn’t want anything except to chat, and his feelings were hurt if I didn’t step away from the party to pay attention to him. It was literally a 36-hour trip, and I spent eight of those hours feeling distracted and upset because of this.

It’s totally unusual behavior for him. When I got home, I told him I wanted to talk about his behavior and he was very defensive. He says he doesn’t feel that I showed respect for his feelings, but has not articulated what those feelings were. This is making me feel nervous about our upcoming marriage. Am I being cold or wrong here?

— Anxious

I hope by “allow me that weekend” you meant support it ungrudgingly, versus actual permission.

If it’s the latter? Call it off.

If it’s the former, then I would be seriously annoyed, too — about the calling and the hurt feelings, but mainly about the defensiveness afterward. If you’re going to accuse me of something and remain angry about it, then you need to be willing to spell out what it is or our relationship is a non-starter.

People aren’t all wired the same, of course, so I would willingly, gladly grant him time to sort out what he’s feeling and why. But there would have to be some willingness to say it and have it out in the end. As in, a willingness to say, “I realized I don’t trust you,” or, “I realized when you were away that I feel like I love you more than you love me,” or, “I realized I felt really vulnerable while you were away and I hated how that felt.” These are not things anyone wants to say out loud, but here’s the thing: I don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t feel safe saying something like that to me, and I don’t want to marry someone to whom I can’t admit something like that.

Sorry to make this an “I” answer, but it’s easier for me to frame it that way because the answer to your question is, at its essence, about what you want your relationship to be. The only way to frame it is individually.

So you need to figure out what problem this incident has exposed, and explain that to your fiance. Clearly, calmly, kindly. If he still won’t talk to you, then — it’ll be a scramble given the timing — counseling, please. With the wedding on hold if you must.