For the most part, the world of food is sophisticated and elegant. But it can be a foolish world as well. Particularly when you consider that it’s filled with a bunch of food companies and commodity groups that have only one thing on their collective mind: to get you to eat what they’re selling.
To achieve this end, they hire advertising agencies to sit around thinking up clever new ways to motivate consumers to consume the client’s product. Inevitably, the word “recipe” will pop into the brainstorming session. Then a test kitchen is introduced into the picture to create new and exciting ways to get the public to eat the client’s product.
I used to work in a San Francisco test kitchen, so I know the kind of foolishness I’m talking about. When a frozen food company wanted to get more children to eat their frozen vegetables, I made lima bean burritos. When a frozen bread manufacturer wanted their Olympic gold medal spokeswoman to be featured in a magazine layout with her new baby, we made “crunchy bread teething rings.” When a potato processor felt the need to expand into areas beyond their product’s normal realm of use, I spent half a morning hand-picking through a dozen bags of frozen hash browns to cull out the perfect specimens for the photo session.
Even though that was eons ago, such culinary hijinks are still going on. The irony is that now I’m on the receiving end of the press kits. Most of the time the recipes land on my desk in the form of important looking press notices, always stamped “For Immediate Release” (as if today’s busy cooks really care that a particular brand of hot pepper sauce was timing the release of their new green hot pepper sauce to coincide with St. Patrick’s Day). Sometimes they’re cleverly disguised as full-sized cookbooks with catchy titles like “Cooking With Sauerkraut,” “The Blue Bonnet Margarine Book of Creative Cookery” and, my all-time favorite, “The New Joys of Jell-O Recipe Book.”
Most companies tend to do relatively fine when they stick with recipes that their product truly was designed to work in. Take Nestle’s Toll House chocolate chips, for instance. But when they venture into questionable territory, that’s when the world is confronted with avocado ice cream.
Oh, they work for some people. But the rest of us aren’t anxious to be invited to their homes for a tasty repast featuring “Fun With Bologna” creations. So most food writers spare their readers and simply toss the offending material in the garbage. Some of the more twisted food professionals, however, like to hold on to the particularly gross examples. You never know when they’ll come in handy.
Well, since my files are overflowing, and in honor of a very April Foolish day last weekend, I thought you’d like to peek over my shoulder and share the fun that’s been collecting in my files over the years. Don’t worry, I’m offering some sincerely delicious recipes at the end.
* In the “Good Enough for Guests” chapter of the “There’s Always Room for Sugar Free Jell-O” booklet, the folks at Kraft General foods came up with a tasty new spin on low-cal guacamole incorporating a box of lemon flavor sugar free gelatin: guacamole with chili tortilla chips. Holy guacamole, Batman!
* Here’s one that those wacky little elves at Keebler included in a collection of holiday recipes a few years back: a broccoli and cheese pie. Sounded innocent enough – until you get down to the ingredient they were pushing, a graham cracker pie crust! Yikes.
* A quick way to ferret out a company desperate to push the company product at all cost is to head straight to the category in their publication which you know is the least likely to support its inclusion. When I received an earlier edition of an otherwise charming little asparagus cookbook from the Walla Walla Gardeners Association, I flipped to the dessert section. Bingo: cherry dapple “taffies,” calling for 1 1/2 cups cooked asparagus. OK, I know about carrot cake, but really.
* I applied the same theory to the “Thistle Eaters Guide.” Sure enough, in the Specialties chapter, there were two recipes for artichoke cakes. It’s not that I have anything against vegetable cakes, but what’s the point of going to all the trouble and expense of creating 2 to 3 cups of artichoke pulp (you’d have to use up to 12 large artichokes) that won’t be detected in the finished cake?
* From “The Garlic Lovers’ Cookbook,” a quick flip to the final pages reveals another winner, Sicilian Gems, also known as chocolate-coated garlic. There are probably hordes of people who swear they love garlic prepared like this. I just happen to have better things to do with my chocolate. Round up those ants and grasshoppers.
Meanwhile, on to some genuinely tasty treats, just in time for your spring menus. Bon appetit (honest!).
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This wonderful dressing is part of Sacramento-based caterer, Darci Gilbert’s delectable repertoire. I enjoyed it at her sister-in-law Yvonne’s luncheon this spring in Corvallis, Ore. Yvonne had arranged individual servings of butter lettuce, garnished with slivers of Swiss cheese, tender asparagus spears and juicy chunks of tomato.
Marinated mushrooms, blanched asparagus, freshly shredded Parmesan, cherry tomatoes
2tablespoons red wine vinegar
2tablespoons balsamic vinegar
4to 5 tablespoons coarsely chopped fresh basil
1tablespoon granulated sugar
2cloves garlic, chopped
1/2cup safflower oil (or other vegetable oil, such as canola)
1/2teaspoon salt
Fresh ground black pepper
Place the vinegars, basil, sugar, garlic, oil, salt and pepper in a blender. Mix in short bursts to combine without chopping the basil too fine. “You want little pieces of basil,” Darci says. Makes scant 1 cup dressing.
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Based on a recipe from Gathering Together Farms in Philomath, this is a wonderful dressing to have on hand when all the fresh, young salad greens become readily available (and affordable).
1/4cup balsamic vinegar
1/4cup red wine vinegar
2teaspoons black bean garlic sauce
2teaspoons honey
2teaspoons Dijon mustard
2teaspoons soy sauce
1/2cup extra-virgin olive oil
1/2cup canola oil
Whisk together the balsamic vinegar, red wine vinegar, black bean garlic sauce, honey, Dijon mustard and soy sauce. Whisk in the olive oil and canola oil. Makes about 2 cups.
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The toasted sesame seeds in this vinaigrette lends an almost baconlike flavor to the salad. It really works with the butter leaf lettuce.
2skinned and boned chicken breast halves, grilled and cooled
1/2head tender butter leaf lettuce (or very tender spinach greens)
Inner pale green hearts from a head of Romaine lettuce
2Roma (Italian-plum) tomatoes, diced
1cup shredded Swiss cheese
1cup Sugar-Glazed Almonds (recipe follows)
1/4cup minced red onion
3hard-cooked eggs, peeled and chopped
3/4cup sesame and poppy seed vinaigrette (recipe follows)
Cut the cooled pieces of chicken into 1/4-inch pieces and set aside. Break the lettuce leaves into desired size pieces and evenly divide between four dinner plates. On top of each serving, arrange in an attractive pattern the diced chicken, tomatoes, Swiss cheese, almonds, onions and chopped egg. Drizzle a portion of the dressing over each serving and serve. Makes four servings.
Sesame and poppy seed vinaigrette: Place 4 tablespoons wine vinegar, 1 tablespoon sugar, 2 tablespoons lightly toasted sesame seeds, 1 tablespoon poppy seeds, 1 tablespoon coarsely chopped onion, 1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce, 1/4 teaspoon paprika, and 1/2 teaspoon salt in a blender or food processor. Blend until most of the sesame seeds are ground (stop the motor several times and scrape down the sides of the container). Scrape the mixture into a deep bowl and whisk in 1/3 cup vegetable oil in a slow. Makes 3/4 cup.
Sugar-glazed almonds: In a nonstick skillet, roast 1/2 cup sliced almonds over medium-high heat until golden, shaking the pan to prevent scorching. Once the almonds have browned, sprinkle on about 1 tablespoon sugar, stirring constantly, and cook until the sugar melts around the almonds. Remove from heat and quickly scrape the almonds onto a sheet of waxed paper to cool. Makes 1/2 cup almonds.
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This is a very elegant and subtle offering. Consider adding a few slices of tomatoes and cucumbers alongside the salad.
Chicken salad with fresh dill
1whole poached chicken
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
3/4cup chopped green onion
1tablespoon fresh snipped dill weed
Equal amounts of sour cream and mayonnaise (for starters, whisk together 1/2 cup of each)
1teaspoon Dijon mustard
Fresh salad greens tossed with your favorite vinaigrette
To poach the chicken, add one whole, uncooked chicken to a pot, filled halfway with water. Throw in about 2 teaspoons salt and about 1/2 teaspoon fresh-ground pepper, 1 or 2 slices of fresh lemon, and (if you’ve got ‘em) 5 peeled and diced cloves of garlic. Bring to a boil, cover and simmer gently for about 30 to 40 minutes, or until the chicken is done. This may be done 1 to 2 days ahead.
Around dinnertime, and long after the poached chicken has cooled its heels in the fridge, pull enough white and dark meat from the bird to measure 4 to 5 cups of bite-sized chicken chunks. Season the chicken lightly with a little salt and pepper, then add the green onion and fresh dill and toss gently to combine.
To the mayonnaise and sour cream mixture, stir in the Dijon mustard, then add that to the chicken, adding just enough to barely hold the chicken mixture together. You don’t want to drown out the pure flavor of the chicken or dill. But you want it to be moist and flavorful. You may need to add a bit more mayonnaise and sour cream to reach your level of satisfaction. It’s your call.
In another bowl, toss together some of the salad greens with a simple vinaigrette. Divide the greens between the plates, then cozy a serving of the chicken salad up against the greens. Makes four servings.
Jan Roberts-Dominguez is a Corvallis, Ore., food writer, cookbook author and artist. Readers can contact her by e-mail at janrd@proaxis.com.
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