Teach children, even little ones, to cope with anger

Even little children can be full of big anger.

That’s the lesson parents should take from the third-graders suspended from a Georgia elementary school after being accused of an elaborate plot to restrain and attack their teacher, childhood behavior experts say.

While third grade may seem awfully young to harbor such alleged thoughts (and some experts say they doubt the children would have gone through with it), a child who doesn’t know how to properly channel anger may be susceptible to such behavior, say anger management experts who deal with children.

Parents need to help their children manage their anger, talk about right and wrong and monitor their children’s behavior, the experts said — even at a very early age.

“Say, ‘It’s OK to have feelings of anger, but it’s not OK to hurt people,”’ said Lea deFrancisci of the Child Study Center at New York University.

If a child says he wants to hit his teacher, a parent should follow up with questions and a lesson on proper behavior, she said.

Parents shouldn’t worry that talking with their young children about negative feelings will have a negative impact, deFrancisci said.

“You’re never putting an idea in your kid’s head by asking about it,” she said. “Parents can’t be afraid to talk about taboo topics.”

During the conversation, parents need to stress the differences between right and wrong, said Lisa Pion-Berlin, president of Parents Anonymous in Los Angeles.

“Hitting someone is not going solve any problems,” she said. “It’s not going to make you feel better and there will be consequences, too.”

Then the parent needs to offer a workable solution that lets the child know his or her feelings will be addressed, she said.

And remember, teaching kids how to manage emotions is an ongoing process; it’s not about just one big talk.

“Parents need to tune into their kids’ emotional state,” Pion-Berlin said.

Don’t dismiss a child’s embarrassment over an incident at school, worries about a test grade or fight with a friend, said Andy Reitz, a child consultant with the Child Welfare League of America in Boston.

“When kids do get angry, adults have to take them seriously,” he said.

Parents should become concerned if a child has many episodes of extremely angry behavior over an extended time period, he said. Doctors, school psychologists and mental health professionals can help parents identify problems.

For more typical childhood anger, he recommends introducing strategies such as counting backward from 10 or taking deep breaths.

He also recommends watching for inappropriate behavior and addressing it immediately.

“Issues can’t be corrected if you’re not there to see it,” he said.

Help child manage anger

Helping your child manage anger is an ongoing process.

Parents need to:

Take kids’ feelings seriously

Allow your kids to see you experience a variety of feelings

Instill a sense of right and wrong in your child

Create an environment where they feel comfortable opening up to you

Work with them to find productive solutions to problems

Offer constructive alternatives to violence such as journaling, kicking a soccer ball or riding a bike

Sources: Parents Anonymous, Child Welfare League of America, New York University Child Study Center

Warning signs

While every child has difficult moments, sometimes anger can signal a more serious issue. Here are some behaviors you may want to discuss with a professional:

Elementary children

Marked fall in school performance.

Poor grades in school despite trying very hard

Severe worry or anxiety, as shown by regular refusal to go to school, go to sleep or take part in activities that are normal for the child’s age

Hyperactivity; fidgeting; constant movement beyond regular playing

Persistent nightmares

Persistent disobedience or aggression (longer than six months) and provocative opposition to authority figures

Frequent, unexplainable temper tantrums

Pre-adolescents and adolescents

Marked change in school performance.

Inability to cope with problems and daily activities

Marked changes in sleeping and/or eating habits