I think I have toilet envy.
The object of my longing is Kohler’s new Numi toilet, a marvel of engineering and conspicuous consumption, or in this case, conspicuous elimination.
This is no mere utilitarian commode. This is voidance elevated to art.
It warms you. It cleanses you. It plays music for you, because from what I gather from the promotional materials, you’re going to want to settle in and stay awhile. Just working through the remote-control options ought to take you through about half of “Dark Side of the Moon.”
And it can be yours for just $6,390.
The Numi doesn’t even look like a toilet. It has a squarish, sophisticated shape that’s better-looking than anything in my house.
Apparently the people who use it are better-looking than anything in my house, too. At least that’s the impression I got from the Numi website, www.kohler.com/numi.
It’s a sensual site filled with pictures of a beautiful couple locked in sultry gazes over their toilet. The Numi is situated in a glass-walled room overlooking a breathtaking vista of hills ringing a city, giving hundreds of people an unobstructed view of this couple’s loo.
The room is decorated in tasteful restraint with a floor lamp and an accent table, but evidently no place to sit other than the john.
It’s what the Numi does, however, that really commanded my attention. It senses your presence and opens the lid so you’re good to go, so to speak. It warms the seat to the temperature you choose. Its built-in, retractable bidet wand (doesn’t that sound magical?) sprays you clean with your choice of pulsating, oscillating or wave actions.
Just watching the bidet enactment, I had to fan myself.
So now my own toilet is seeming a little, well, puritanical. Never mind that it has functioned just fine for a dozen years or so. Does it serenade me? No. Does it heat my feet on a cold winter day? No. Does it know me better than my own husband? Definitely not.
I want the Numi.
And if I get it, I promise to enclose it with walls.
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