This father’s reflections on the joys and fears of parenthood

I loved having children. It’s been one of the high points of my life.

I remember when they were babies. I would hold them close, savoring their baby smell. I remember chasing after them when they were toddlers. They giggled while they ran away from me. It was fun when they learned to talk, too. They had so much to say and so many questions to ask.

Their childhoods were a blur of playgrounds, birthday parties, adventures and just hanging out.

While I’m not a worrier, I worried like all parents. How would they turn out? Would they have happiness? Would they be safe? I learned about anxiety during their adolescence. The worst was all the practice driving we did when they were preparing to take their driver’s test. During those months, my hair turned gray. I can’t say that I enjoyed their teen years much. I was too scared.

When I dropped my first daughter off for college, I teared up. It seemed like the beginning of the end of this amazing phase of my life. And then, before I knew it, my youngest was off to college, too. Of course, what they don’t tell you is that when your kids are in college, they are only in school 30 weeks a year. They are often home the other 22 weeks. But those four years flew by, too.

Childhood is only a small part of our lives. We are adults for the next 60 years or so. When our kids are in their 20s, they are trying to find their place on the adult stage. It’s another transition for us parents. We are no longer financially responsible for them or have any say in their decisions.

They are (hopefully) launched into adulthood, yet we are still very involved in their lives. Our role is unclear and confusing. Do we give them unsolicited advice if we think they are making a mistake? Do we help them financially? Do we bail them out of self-made jams? How much involvement is too much?

And then, before we know it, they become adults in mid-life, with children of their own. Still parents, we become grandparents, with a whole new set of joys and fears. And as we get older, the tide changes once again. Our children help us.

There was never a good guidebook for how to be an effective parent for our child. Indeed, we grow up together with our children. Hopefully, we all become better people from our experiences together.

Below are a few things I’ve learned:

Savor their childhood. When you are with your children, drink deeply of all of the moments — even the mundane ones. Be 100 present when you are with them. Put your smartphone away. Engrave these memories deep into your memory. These are fleeting experiences; they rush by so quickly.

Learn to let go. I can still remember my youngest daughter’s first bike ride without training wheels. The instant I let go of the bike, she rocketed across the blacktop. For her to ride solo, Mom and Dad should let go. Will she fall and scrape her knee? Maybe. Letting go never stops — it continues throughout the entire course of our lives.

Remember what’s important. Childhood is an experience in of itself, but it is also preparation for adulthood. To develop “good” judgement, so important for adulthood, kids must learn from their mistakes. Don’t protect them from the suffering that goes along with missteps.

I’ve learned a lot in this job — being a Dad for my two daughters. Truly, it’s been a labor of love.

Paul Schoenfeld is director of The Everett Clinic’s Center for Behavioral Health. His Family Talk Blog can be found at www.everettclinic.com/family-talk-blog.