Trusting a casual sexual partner who took nude pix of her

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

I am casually sleeping with a guy; neither of us is serious about each other, and we have openly discussed our “relationship.”

In the very beginning, he took a couple of nude photos of me. I didn’t protest at the time. Now my mind keeps going back to those photos.

How can I tell my casual sexual partner that I want him to delete my naked photos? How can I ask him if he has shown them to anyone without making it sound like I distrust him?

— Anonymous

“How can I tell my casual sexual partner that I want him to delete my naked photos?” sounds like ad copy from SNL’s Bad Idea Jeans.

Ask him to delete the photos, watch him do it, ask if he’s sure those are the only copies. It’s not just about sharing with others, it’s also about the many places our photos are stored. Say it nags at you that they’re out there.

You won’t know they’re all gone, since you were never the one in control of the images, but you do what you can.

And while you’re at it, ask yourself: Do you trust him?

I don’t say this just because you’re casual sex partners — plenty of “committed” ones aren’t what they claim — but because trusting people who haven’t earned it is something we’re all susceptible to. You may not be serious, but you’re both still vulnerable to each other; casual can be careful, too.

Dear Carolyn:

My boyfriend (of a year) and I have never had a fight. I feel like that’s odd.

We disagree on the biggies, politics and religion, but when we talk about those topics, we are respectful, ask good questions and are sympathetic to each other’s point of view.

I’m generally not one for conflict, but honestly can’t think of when I’ve been truly angry with him. His last relationship was horrible, with a woman who gaslighted him like crazy, so I think he also has a tendency to avoid conflict.

Should I just be happy (which is not a normal state for me)? That’s not to say he’s perfect. He eats like a bird while I can scarf down massive amounts of food, and there are some little things, but we all have our quirks. I have them, too.

— Be Happy?

Getting along is not a problem but avoiding conflict is. It’s good that you can talk about the “biggies,” and your apparently natural pessimism could be the source of your doubts.

But if you’re not sure whether his good nature is coming from compatibility or conflict-aversion, then pay close(r) attention to what he says, what he agrees to and doesn’t agree to, and what he does with difficult emotions — particularly when they’re not about you, so his pleaser tendencies don’t skew the results.

Look instead at how he reacts to getting cut off in traffic; watching his favorite team lose; getting poor service at a restaurant; choosing the slow line at the grocery store; getting dumped on at work; and the biggie, assembling Ikea furniture.