Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
A woman in our set of friends initiates touching and chumminess with my husband, who returns it, but not in a serious way. We know from this woman’s parents that she is in a long-term affair with a married man.
I don’t believe my husband will go beyond public chumminess and flirting with her, but I do believe he is intrigued by the fact that she is interested and available. The last time this happened we were having dinner around a table together so I could not avoid being a witness, and I was definitely uncomfortable and annoyed. Part of that feeling was the difficulty of deciding if this is random, harmless flirting or did it go beyond. If I find myself in this situation again, should I handle it right then or later in private?
— Uncomfortable and Annoyed
By “this situation,” you mean your husband’s openness to having an affair, yes?
Because if you believe flirting can be harmless and random and if you’re OK with your husband engaging in that, then the affair potential is the only part of this that’s bothering you.
Of course even the affair isn’t a problem if you’re open to that, too … and, at the other end of the spectrum, the flirting alone is a problem if you don’t believe it can ever be harmless … so I guess I need to be more clear here.
Please ask yourself:
(1) What behavior do you find problematic in this situation;
(2) Why;
(3) What, if anything, is within your power to change (handy guide: if you’re doing it, then you can change it; if others are doing it, you can only ask them to change it);
(4) What’s the best way to try to make those changes.
So, for example, if you think your husband is crossing a line, explain your concerns to him later in private. Say you’re not angry, or accusing, you’re just uncomfortable and trying to understand what you’re seeing. Is he interested in Scarlett? Does it intrigue him that Scarlett is interested and available?
Radical honesty isn’t always a gotcha — it can also be an invitation for others to respond in kind.
Re: Uncomfortable:
I dearly hope the woman’s parents aren’t trying to subtly clue you in that the married man is your husband.
— Anonymous
=:-O
Dear Carolyn:
If it’s been a REALLY long time since you’ve been in a relationship, and now you have a possibility that you’re feeling pretty ambivalent about, how do you tell if that’s because you’re just not clicking in the right ways with this person — who on paper looks great for you — or if you’re so set in your single ways that you can’t even picture it anymore? I honestly can’t tell if my lack of enthusiasm is a sign, and a sign of what. Help, please.
— Ambivalent
It’s a sign you’re not enthusiastic. Please take it at face value and don’t push for more of this person. When more is called for, the MORE light will light up. And probably flash and buzz and stuff. Not to scare you or anything.
— Washington Post Writers Group
Talk to us
> Give us your news tips.
> Send us a letter to the editor.
> More Herald contact information.
