WB dude rattles off some great one-liners

One of things that becomes pretty apparent at the TV Critics Association press tour is that there ain’t a lot of new to be had when the president or PR guy or gal steps up to the microphone to talk.

All week, though, I was told to look for this guy Keith Marder, the communications director for The WB. His short presentation at the start of that network’s slate of events, complete with visual aids, had some of the most cynical people on Earth in stitches Friday.

Here’s a taste of some highlights:

Marder hit the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes storyline right away, giving a nod to Holmes, who starred on The WB’s “Dawson’s Creek” for six seasons.

“I always knew that Tom Cruise would end up with someone from ‘Dawson’s Creek,’” Marder said. “I just thought it would be James Van Der Beek.”

“Katie Holmes, though, she looks in love, to me,” Marder added later. “If she was this good an actress on ‘Dawson’s Creek,’ she would have won an Emmy.”

Moving on, Marder poked some fun at Shannen Doherty, who was recently fired from UPN’s new comedy, “Love, Inc.” and quit The WB’s “Charmed” in 2001 (after getting fired from “Beverly Hills 90210” in the mid-’90s):

“It’s gotten to the point that Shannen’s no longer good enough to even keep a job at UPN,” Marder said. “On top of that, I heard she was a victim of identity theft … and they returned it.”

Finally, Marder added, “Now I know what’s at the bottom of the hatch in ‘Lost’: Shannen Doherty’s career.”

Marder then aimed toward a couple of conservative groups that claim kids’ TV characters Barney and SpongeBob Squarepants are gay.

“Seriously, Barney I get,” Marder admitted. “But SpongeBob? I know you’re thinking, of course he’s gay: He’s animated.

“But you tell me, what gay man would weat those shorts with that tie?”

Finally, he turned to Fox and its extension of “Malcolm in the Middle,” saying one of the biggest mistakes made in television is keeping shows on the air too long.

“I mean, (‘Malcolm’ star) Frankie Muniz is so old, Fox should change the name of his show to ‘Malcolm in Middle Age.’

“(The show’s youngest character) Dewey is so old, even Michael Jackson stopped watching.”