When enough is too much

Childhood burnout is incredibly common these days.

  • By Armin Brott Tribune News Service (TNS)
  • Monday, December 2, 2019 1:30am
  • Life

Dear Mr. Dad: We’re a pretty busy family. Our three kids are in lots of extracurricular activities (Scouts, music, sports, drama) and we also do a lot of things together as a family. Lately, the kids have seemed more run down than usual. I’m feeling a little guilty because I suspect that it’s because they’ve got so many things going on. How do you tell when your kids are doing too much?

A: Sounds to me like your kids’ lack of energy is the result of burnout, and I agree with you: The likely culprit is trying to cram too many activities into too little time. But don’t beat yourself up too badly. Childhood burnout is incredibly common these days, and with pressure coming in from all sides — friends, family, the community, schools, and the kids themselves — it’s hard to say who’s responsible.

Extracurricular activities are important. They give kids a chance to interact with their peers somewhere other than school. They can teach kids important life lessons, such as teamwork, self-confidence, and self-sufficiency, encourage them to develop skills and experience they’ll need later in life, and help them become well-rounded adults. That’s great — up to a point. And that point is when extracurriculars leave little or no time for children to just be children. Kids, like all of us, need time to do something other than work, time to think, and time to just hang out and do nothing.

The fallout from non-stop activities goes well beyond exhaustion. Overbooking can lead to anxiety, depression, a nagging feeling of never quite being good enough, and a complete rejection of any and all activities. Perhaps worst of all, experts are finding that the more time kids spend doing structured activities, the less they’re able to think creatively and imaginatively. In other words, too much structure can lead to rigid thinking.

Let’s get back to your question: How do you know if your children are too busy? Whether they’re involved in activities they picked, you picked, or a combination, here are some signs that your children could be in danger of burning out.

Frequent headaches. Occasional minor headaches are normal and shouldn’t cause alarm. But if they’re stronger than normal, last a long time, or happen a lot, it’s possible that the child isn’t getting enough sleep or that he’s feeling too much pressure to perform — either from you, his coaches, or his peers.

Stomach problems. Kids have been using stomachaches as a way to get out of doing things since chores were invented. But if they’re real, stomach aches could be a symptom of stress or anxiety. And even if they’re not real, they could be your child’s way of saying that he needs a break.

Temper, temper. Don’t chalk up irritability or short temper to “being a teen” or having an “off day.” Overreacting and snapping at people for no reason is another subconscious way of saying, “I need a break.”

— Grades drop. Most kids struggle with their grades at some point, but while school problems can be a sign that a child doesn’t understand the material, it’s also possible that he’s so tired that he can’t think straight.

The answer to the overscheduling problem is simple: Stop it. Go over your kids’ schedules and figure out which activities are most important to them (not to you). Then, together with them, look for ways to free up some time. And be careful that you don’t turn around and fill up those “empty” hours with new activities. Instead, unplug, unwind, and do nothing.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Sarah Jean Muncey-Gordon puts on some BITCHSTIX lip oil at Bandbox Beauty Supply on Tuesday, Jan. 9, 2024, in Langley, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Bandbox Beauty was made for Whidbey Island locals, by an island local

Founder Sarah Muncey-Gordon said Langley is in a renaissance, and she’s proud to be a part of it.

A stroll on Rome's ancient Appian Way is a kind of time travel. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves on the Appian Way, Rome’s ancient superhighway

Twenty-nine highways fanned out from Rome, but this one was the first and remains the most legendary.

Byrds co-founder Roger McGuinn, seen here in 2013, will perform April 20 in Edmonds. (Associated Press)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

R0ck ‘n’ Roll Hall of Famer Roger McGuinn, frontman of The Byrds, plans a gig in Edmonds in April.

Mother giving in to the manipulation her daughter fake crying for candy
Can children be bribed into good behavior?

Only in the short term. What we want to do is promote good habits over the course of the child’s life.

Speech Bubble Puzzle and Discussion
When conflict flares, keep calm and stand your ground

Most adults don’t like dissension. They avoid it, try to get around it, under it, or over it.

The colorful Nyhavn neighborhood is the place to moor on a sunny day in Copenhagen. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves: Embrace hygge and save cash in Copenhagen

Where else would Hans Christian Andersen, a mermaid statue and lovingly decorated open-face sandwiches be the icons of a major capital?

Last Call is a festured artist at the 2024 DeMiero Jazz Festival: in Edmonds. (Photo provided by DeMiero Jazz Festival)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Jazz ensemble Last Call is one of the featured artists at the DeMiero Jazz Festival on March 7-9 in Edmonds.

Kim Helleren
Local children’s author to read at Edmonds Bookshop

Kim Helleren will read from one of her books for kids at the next monthly Story Time at Edmonds Bookshop on March 29.

Chris Elliott
Lyft surprises traveler with a $150 cleaning charge

Jared Hakimi finds a $150 charge on his credit card after a Lyft ride. Is that allowed? And will the charge stick?

Inside Elle Marie Hair Studio in Smokey Point. (Provided by Acacia Delzer)
The best hair salon in Snohomish County

You voted, we tallied. Here are the results.

The 2024 Kia EV9 electric SUV has room for up to six or seven passengers, depending on seat configuration. (Photo provided by Kia)
Kia’s all-new EV9 electric SUV occupies rarified air

Roomy three-row electric SUVs priced below 60 grand are scarce.

2023 Toyota RAV4 Prime XSE Premium AWD (Photo provided by Toyota)
2023 Toyota RAV4 Prime XSE Premium AWD

The compact SUV electric vehicle offers customers the ultimate flexibility for getting around town in zero emission EV mode or road-tripping in hybrid mode with a range of 440 miles and 42 mile per gallon fuel economy.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.