When parenting is too much of a good thing

  • Friday, May 13, 2016 3:37pm
  • Life

Billy hates his second grade teacher! He comes home after school and exclaims to his mom, “I hate Mrs. Smith and she hates me too.”

Billy’s parents try to figure out what’s going on. They visit with his teacher and talk to other parents. They decide to change his classroom.

Sarah’s on the soccer team and spends a fair amount of time keeping the bench warm. Her parents argue with the coach that she should have more field time.

This has become a familiar pattern in modern family life. Parents, who want to protect their children, intervene at school, in sports and on the playground. Many parents struggle with this issue — when do I take over and when do I let my kid figure it out for herself?

On the one hand, children have limited ability to advocate for themselves. They have little power in most situations in their lives. But on the other hand, are we always helping them when we jump in and “make it better” for them?

These are thorny parental problems. My youngest daughter pushed hard to go to sleep-away camp, far from home, when she was 8 years old.

She was confident she would have a great time and could handle it.

But a few days into camp, the tear-stained letters from one homesick little kid came pouring in. These were followed by hysterical phone calls insisting that she had to come home right away or her life would be over.

Diane and I struggled to make the “right” decision, and ultimately we decided that she needed to stick it out. She was furious with us and told us that she would never forgive us!

But, on the positive side, she did figure out how to make the best of a bad situation. Years later she told us we made the right decision. She felt good about her ability to get through a very tough situation.

So, how can parents approach these dilemmas? Here are some questions to consider.

Is it a safety issue? In those situations, responsible parents take action. Getting beat up on the way home, emotionally abused by a coach or pushed around by a bunch of older kids calls for action. I don’t think too many parents have to think twice about interceding.

Is it a comfort issue? Clearly my daughter was not in an unsafe situation. She had many concerned adults looking after her. But an acute case of homesickness can be very painful for young children. I am sure that she was very anxious too. But it clearly was not a safety concern.

What are the benefits of letting your kid stick it out? Learning how to manage uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking situations in life is a crucial adult skill. It isn’t easy to figure out how to manage difficult work problems, relationship issues, or life problems. But acquiring and honing those skills — including problem-solving, tenacity, perseverance and good old-fashioned mental toughness — starts early. When children find their own solutions to difficult childhood problems they also develop a sense of independence and self-esteem. Parents can still help their kids work through possible solutions. But children don’t develop enhanced self-esteem when Mom or Dad take over. Furthermore, learning how to tolerate discomfort, which is often temporary, is another important skill. It comes in handy in adult life!

Can I tolerate the discomfort I feel? Diane and I suffered several days of anxiety, worry and indecision about what to do. We spent hours debating what course of action made sense. It can be very hard for parents to cope with their children’s pain and suffering, even if we know it is temporary.

Don’t you wish your children came with how-to manuals? When your child faces uncomfortable, challenging moments, trusting them to find solutions is a vote of confidence.

Dr. Paul Schoenfeld is director of The Everett Clinic’s Center for Behavioral Health. His Family Talk Blog can be found at www.everettclinic.com/family-talk-blog.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Everett P. Fog, 15, in front of an Everett mural along Colby Avenue on Wednesday, Jan. 22, 2025 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Hello, Everett! No escape when your name is same as the town

Everett P. Fog, 15, sees and hears his first name wherever he goes. His middle name is also epic.

Jared Meads takes a breath after dunking in an ice bath in his back yard while his son Fallen, 5, reads off the water temperature on Tuesday, Oct. 15, 2024 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Chill out: Dive into the cold plunge craze

Plungers say they get mental clarity and relief for ails in icy water in tubs, troughs and clubs.

Schack exhibit to highlight Camano Island watercolorists

“Four Decades of Friendship: John Ebner & John Ringen” will be on display Jan. 16 through Feb. 9.

XRT Trim Adds Rugged Features Designed For Light Off-Roading
Hyundai Introduces Smarter, More Capable Tucson Compact SUV For 2025

Innovative New Convenience And Safety Features Add Value

Sequoia photo provided by Toyota USA Newsroom
If Big Is Better, 2024 Toyota Sequoia Is Best

4WD Pro Hybrid With 3-Rows Elevates Full-Size

2025 Toyota Land Cruiser (Provided by Toyota).
2025 Toyota Land Cruiser revives its roots

After a 3-year hiatus, the go-anywhere SUV returns with a more adventurous vibe.

Enjoy the wilderness in the CX-50. Photo provided by Mazda USA Newsroom
2025 Mazda CX-50 Adds Hybrid Capability to Turbo Options

Line-Up Receives More Robust List Of Standard Equipment

Practical And Functional bZ4X basks in sunshine. Photo provided by Toyota Newsroom.
2024 bZ4X Puts Toyota Twist On All-Electric SUV’s

Modern Styling, Tech & All-Wheel Drive Highlight

Photo provided by Mazda USA Newsroom
2025 Mazda3 Turbo Premium Plus Hatch Delivers Value

Plus Functionality of AWD And G-Vectoring

2025 Mazda CX-90 Turbo SUV (Provided by Mazda)
2025 CX-90 Turbo models get Mazda’s most powerful engine

Mazda’s largest-ever SUV is equipped to handle the weight, with fuel efficiency kept in check.

Provided by Bridges Pets, Gifts, & Water Gardens.
Discover where to find the best pet supplies in town

Need the perfect store to spoil your furry friends? Herald readers have you covered.

VW Jetta SEL is a sedan that passes for a coupe. Photo provided by Volkswagen U.S. Media.
2025 VW Jetta Offers Greater Refinement, Technology And Value

A Perfect Choice For Small Families And Commuters

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.