By Carolyn Hax / The Washington Post
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
My sister is religious and believes her religion follows the true word of God. Her son, 30-plus, and his girlfriend live together and have a 1-year-old girl. They’ve asked to move in with mom and dad — they have a large home — to save money to buy a place to live.
My sister requires them to marry first before moving in with them. Any legal marriage is fine, a religious event is not required.
I would not make that a requirement and it isn’t my business. I see this as controlling, boundary-busting and a wrong reason to wed. It’s her house, her religion, her prerogative. But not without a price.
Can you help me word the cost of control? This is not a screen to keep out irresponsible adult family members on her part.
— Concerned
No, I can’t, or won’t, because you had it right yourself: It isn’t your business.
If there’s a cost to your sister’s form of control, then she will pay it. She’s an adult.
Your also-adult nephew can choose to meet your sister’s terms or seek other housing.
And they can both ask for your help or opinion should they want it.
Dear Carolyn:
As a citizen of Washington, D.C., I witness a lot of protests just going about my day. I often bristle when I see young children holding signs — no matter the cause — alongside their parents.
As a new-ish parent (my kids are toddlers), I am less judgmental of parents than I used to be. It’s a tough job. But I can’t get comfortable with kids too young to have their own thoughts on an issue attending protests and rallies. Am I being too inflexible?
— Bristling
Huh. I like seeing kids out there, with caveats — mostly that the cause at hand is love-based versus rage-based. Seeing twisted angry young faces is just disturbing.
And sometimes, as with climate policy, kids are the biggest stakeholders.
Of course, you also have to keep in mind that indoctrination begins and can occur entirely at home. If in fact parents have boundary problems and think their beliefs also have to be their kids’ beliefs, then they hardly need protests and rallies to exert that kind of influence.
So the way to give kids room to grow their own beliefs isn’t to skip the rallies; it’s to ask them their opinions on things, encourage them to engage with the world on their own terms, and not punish them for independent thinking. That’s how kids find their own voices — as opposed to adopting the family line under threat of disapproval and estrangement.
Finally, in a country where 40% of eligible voters can be counted on to skip even a hotly contested presidential election — what a consequential embarrassment that is — and more than that regularly yawn through local contests, maybe parents who encourage their kids to participate in democracy are actually the ones who are getting it right.
— Washington Post Writers Group
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