Zorro is closer to zero

Zorro has been off screen since 1998, when Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta-Jones scored a swashbuckling hit in “The Mask of Zorro.” That’s a long layoff for any superhero, and a new film, “The Legend of Zorro,” doesn’t expect us to remember anything important from the first installment.

Settled in: Sequel to the 1998 film with Antonio Banderas as the masked crime-fighter and Catherine Zeta-Jones as his wife. Their heat has been domesticated, the script is dull, and this one is geared for the kiddie audience.

Rated: PG rating is for violence.

Now showing: tkon

It’s now 1850, and California is on the verge of becoming a state. It seems Zorro has taken an interest in California politics, thus anticipating another action hero, Arnold Schwarzenegger, by 150 years.

Our masked crusader (played by Banderas, naturally) keeps the polls open. But a cabal of men want to prevent California joining the United States, for reasons that are rather mystifying.

At this moment, Zorro – known in his private life as Don Alejandro de la Vega – is on the verge of giving up his crime-fighting role. Wife Elena (Zeta-Jones) needs hubby in the casa to smash champagne glasses in the fire with her and perhaps help raise their 10-year-old son. “The people need Zorro,” Alejandro argues. “No, you need Zorro,” Elena replies, trying a little deep-dish psychology.

Actually, the people really do need Zorro, because there’s always somebody around to steal their land or prey on the innocent.

The Z-man makes his choice, Elena divorces him, and soon she is seen on the arm of a fancy-pants European (Rufus Sewell) who clearly has bad things on his mind. An exceptionally dull script ties his presence to a “Da Vinci Code” scenario involving an ancient religious order and world conspiracy. I still don’t know why.

Somewhere along the line, a decision was made to tool “Legend” for the kiddie trade, so the film’s sword-fighting violence is bloodless, and almost nobody gets killed. It’s a little like a 1980s post-“Raiders of the Lost Ark” adventure movie, all light fluff and winks at the camera.

This might be all right for kids, but when the 10-year-old son of Zorro defiantly asks a bad guy, “You wanna piece of me?” things have gotten undisciplined.

Director Martin Campbell, who made the Bond film “GoldenEye” and is set to helm the next 007 picture, is visibly marking time. A big finale aboard a train (which does not seem to have a driver) is all right, but I had a hard time convincing myself a horse could jump from a mesa onto a moving train. Call me a stick-in-the-mud.

And the heat generated by Banderas and Zeta-Jones back in 1998 has been domesticated. At this point, Zorro looks like he’s ready for slippers, a pipe and a Lay-Z-Boy.

Antonio Banderas stars in “The Legend of Zorro.”

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