Last year, my valentine to readers was to share an out-of-character visit to sex shops. You hated it, I listened. How’s this instead?
We Americans are a marrying bunch, with nine out of 10 of us saying "I do" at least once, according to a Census Bureau report just out.
Many churches require couples to attend premarital sessions. Some engaged couples seek counseling on their own, not a bad idea considering half of first marriages end in divorce.
Are you flashing a new diamond ring today? Or maybe you’ve been married 40 years. Either way, there’s much to learn from those pointing out the road to happiness to couples about to walk down the aisle.
"Marriage goes through its seasons," said Tim Walton, senior pastor at Snohomish Community Church, which requires prewedding counseling. "There are times when a relationship has its own energy and exhilaration. It’s effortless. There are also changes of season, and the commitment is tested.
"Marriage is a matter of remembering the integrity of one’s vows and working at the relationship. It’s one of the greatest tasks and privileges of life," said Walton, a married father of four.
If it feels like work, you’re not alone.
"With lots of couples, they’re attracted to their opposites," said the Rev. Lawrence Perry of Trinity Episcopal Church in Everett. "One may be spontaneous and free-spirited, and the other very systematic.
"They need to work out that relationship. I call it the work of marriage," Perry said.
Play is part of that work.
"I instruct folks to continue to have a date night, to keep the romance going," Perry said. "One of the dangers for older couples experiencing the empty nest, if they haven’t nurtured that relationship they’ll find they have become strangers."
Most marriages aren’t killed by squabbles over money, sex or kids, but by "lack of communication," he added.
Perry also sees praying together and having fun as keys. "And being best friends is certainly a good thing," he said.
Roger Hillerstrom, a professional counselor Affiliated with Heritage Counseling Associates, sees about 100 couples a year for premarital counseling. He is based in Edmonds and has offices in Kirkland and Lake Stevens.
In six to eight sessions, he covers two broad areas. The educational part is easy, with a focus on budgeting, communication and family-of-origin issues. Far more important, Hillerstrom said, is establishing patterns to safeguard relationships for years to come.
By the time he sees long-married couples, they’re usually in a crisis. "They’ve been tolerating each other. Inevitably, the crisis ties in with something that’s old."
Problems may date back to the wedding day. That, Hillerstrom said, is when behavior can change from the open-handed acceptance of courtship to an aim to "fix" a partner.
It’s the difference between seeing your spouse as a treasure to be opened or a lump of clay to be molded.
"It’s a gift, courtship. Our goal is to discover this person," Hillerstrom said. "Even if that person says something is wrong, something hurts, you start with the assumption that this isn’t my enemy.
"Once they’re married, it’s ‘Now I need to change you.’ It’s a subtle message that you are not good enough for my love, as opposed to you’re a treasure I’m lucky enough to have," he said.
His goal is to foster a mindset of opening and exploring the treasure. If that pattern is established before the wedding, "that discovery will last a lifetime," he said.
Every now and then, Hillerstrom meets someone who says, "I’m so lucky, I’ve spent the last 40 years with my best friend." He’s convinced their secret is that they’re still discovering a treasure. "It’s an unending adventure," he said.
"If you’ve got to fix them, that’s terminal. You’re enemies. The first step is acceptance," Hillerstrom said. "There are very few things more romantic than being discovered by someone who wants to discover you. That’s a high."
This Valentine’s Day, I wish you a high — a lifelong high.
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