All you need is love — and counseling

  • Julie Muhlstein / Herald Columnist
  • Wednesday, February 13, 2002 9:00pm
  • Local News

Last year, my valentine to readers was to share an out-of-character visit to sex shops. You hated it, I listened. How’s this instead?

We Americans are a marrying bunch, with nine out of 10 of us saying "I do" at least once, according to a Census Bureau report just out.

Many churches require couples to attend premarital sessions. Some engaged couples seek counseling on their own, not a bad idea considering half of first marriages end in divorce.

Are you flashing a new diamond ring today? Or maybe you’ve been married 40 years. Either way, there’s much to learn from those pointing out the road to happiness to couples about to walk down the aisle.

"Marriage goes through its seasons," said Tim Walton, senior pastor at Snohomish Community Church, which requires prewedding counseling. "There are times when a relationship has its own energy and exhilaration. It’s effortless. There are also changes of season, and the commitment is tested.

"Marriage is a matter of remembering the integrity of one’s vows and working at the relationship. It’s one of the greatest tasks and privileges of life," said Walton, a married father of four.

If it feels like work, you’re not alone.

"With lots of couples, they’re attracted to their opposites," said the Rev. Lawrence Perry of Trinity Episcopal Church in Everett. "One may be spontaneous and free-spirited, and the other very systematic.

"They need to work out that relationship. I call it the work of marriage," Perry said.

Play is part of that work.

"I instruct folks to continue to have a date night, to keep the romance going," Perry said. "One of the dangers for older couples experiencing the empty nest, if they haven’t nurtured that relationship they’ll find they have become strangers."

Most marriages aren’t killed by squabbles over money, sex or kids, but by "lack of communication," he added.

Perry also sees praying together and having fun as keys. "And being best friends is certainly a good thing," he said.

Roger Hillerstrom, a professional counselor Affiliated with Heritage Counseling Associates, sees about 100 couples a year for premarital counseling. He is based in Edmonds and has offices in Kirkland and Lake Stevens.

In six to eight sessions, he covers two broad areas. The educational part is easy, with a focus on budgeting, communication and family-of-origin issues. Far more important, Hillerstrom said, is establishing patterns to safeguard relationships for years to come.

By the time he sees long-married couples, they’re usually in a crisis. "They’ve been tolerating each other. Inevitably, the crisis ties in with something that’s old."

Problems may date back to the wedding day. That, Hillerstrom said, is when behavior can change from the open-handed acceptance of courtship to an aim to "fix" a partner.

It’s the difference between seeing your spouse as a treasure to be opened or a lump of clay to be molded.

"It’s a gift, courtship. Our goal is to discover this person," Hillerstrom said. "Even if that person says something is wrong, something hurts, you start with the assumption that this isn’t my enemy.

"Once they’re married, it’s ‘Now I need to change you.’ It’s a subtle message that you are not good enough for my love, as opposed to you’re a treasure I’m lucky enough to have," he said.

His goal is to foster a mindset of opening and exploring the treasure. If that pattern is established before the wedding, "that discovery will last a lifetime," he said.

Every now and then, Hillerstrom meets someone who says, "I’m so lucky, I’ve spent the last 40 years with my best friend." He’s convinced their secret is that they’re still discovering a treasure. "It’s an unending adventure," he said.

"If you’ve got to fix them, that’s terminal. You’re enemies. The first step is acceptance," Hillerstrom said. "There are very few things more romantic than being discovered by someone who wants to discover you. That’s a high."

This Valentine’s Day, I wish you a high — a lifelong high.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Local News

Customers enter and exit the Costco on Dec. 2, 2022, in Lake Stevens. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Costco stores could be impacted by looming truck driver strike threat

Truck drivers who deliver groceries and produce to Costco warehouses… Continue reading

Two Washington State ferries pass along the route between Mukilteo and Clinton as scuba divers swim near the shore Sunday, Oct. 22, 2023, in Mukilteo, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Ferry system increases ridership by a half million in 2024

Edmonds-Kingston route remains second-busiest route in the system.

Jasmine Donahue talks about being a place for people leave messages when looking for family members, friends or loved ones on the street on Thursday, Jan. 9, 2025 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Everett extends deadline for homeless service facing closure

Hope ‘N Wellness must now comply with city zoning laws by April 30. The organization is “grateful,” its owner said, but still hopes for a permanent solution.

New Greater Everett Chamber of Commerce CEO CEO Wendy Poischbeg speaks at a kick off event on Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2025 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
‘Everett Rising’: Wednesday’s chamber luncheon to showcase a new era of growth.

The Greater Everett Chamber of Commerce is beginning its efforts… Continue reading

The Edmonds School District building on Friday, Feb. 14, 2025 in Lynnwood, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Edmonds School District faces estimated $8.5 million deficit

The shortfall is lower than previous years, but the effects are “cumulative,” Superintendent Rebecca Miner said.

Robin Cain with 50 of her marathon medals hanging on a display board she made with her father on Thursday, Jan. 2, 2025 in Lake Stevens, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Running a marathon is hard. She ran one in every state.

Robin Cain, of Lake Stevens, is one of only a few thousand people to ever achieve the feat.

People line up to grab food at the Everett Recovery Cafe on Wednesday, Dec. 4, 2024 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Coffee, meals and compassion are free at the Everett Recovery Cafe

The free, membership-based day center offers free coffee and meals and more importantly, camaraderie and recovery support.

Hundreds rally against Trump on Presidents Day in Everett

People lined Broadway with signs and flags, similar to other protests across the country.

The Everett Wastewater Treatment Plant along the Snohomish River on Thursday, June 16, 2022 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Everett water, sewer rates could jump 43% by 2028

The rate hikes would pay for improvements to the city’s sewer infrastructure.

The bond funded new track and field at Northshore Middle School on Thursday, Oct. 24, 2024 in Bothell, Washington. (Courtesy of Northshore School District)
Northshore School District bond improvements underway

The $425 million bond is funding new track and field complexes, playgrounds and phase one of two school replacements.

Alina Langbehn, 6, center, and Vera A., 6, right, sit on a swing together at Drew Nielsen Neighborhood Park after school on Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2025 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Everett council votes to renovate Drew Nielsen Park

Construction on the $345,000 upgrade could start as early as this fall.

Northshore School District bus driver Stewart O’Leary pictured next to his buses shattered drivers side windshield on Friday, Feb. 14, 2025 in Bothell, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
‘Put me in, coach’: Bus driver back at work after struck by metal bar

Stewart O’Leary, a Northshore employee, has received national attention for his composure during a frightening bus trip.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.