Everett widow learns limits for gay couples

Sonya Cox-Harmony is a widow. A brand-new widow.

Her country doesn’t recognize that. Her state doesn’t recognize that. Yet, it was plain as day that the woman I met Thursday was grieving the loss of her one-and-only partner, her spouse, her wife.

Speaking in a strong and even voice, Cox-Harmony, 40, talked of the last days she spent with Katrina “Kitty” Louise Harmony. Harmony died July 25 at age 56 after lapsing into a diabetic coma several days earlier.

Sitting in an easy chair in the Everett home they shared near Forest Park, Cox-Harmony told how Harmony, a nurse, had been taking classes in King County, how she’d gone missing, how she was found unconscious July 21, and how a decision was made at Auburn Regional Medical Center to withdraw life support.

At times, Cox-Harmony would stop talking, about to cry. After a long silence, she’d begin again.

They met in that most modern way, Internet dating. Together more than three years, they were married March 5 in Portland, Ore.

Oregon’s Multnomah County began issuing marriage licenses to gays and lesbians March 3 after a legal review found that it was unconstitutional to ban applications from same-sex couples.

“When we heard it on the news, Kitty said, ‘Get dressed and let’s go.’ It was legal,” Cox-Harmony said.

But on April 21, a judge ordered the county to stop issuing marriage licenses, while recommending that Oregon agree to civil unions. Oregon voters, along with those in several states, will take up the issue Nov. 2. In Washington, a King County Superior Court judge ruled in favor of gay marriage this month, pending a resolution from the state Supreme Court.

On Thursday, the California Supreme Court voided nearly 4,000 marriages sanctioned in San Francisco, ruling that the mayor had overstepped his authority by issuing licenses to gay and lesbian couples.

Since Harmony’s unexpected death, her partner has had a crash course in the legal limits of their union.

“We were legally married, here’s the certificate. But it means nothing,” Cox-Harmony said. “I can pay all the taxes, and pay all the bills – the government wants my money. But I don’t get all the privileges.”

With a living will and the power of attorney for Harmony, she was able to make the decision at the hospital that life support be withdrawn, although she said one social worker challenged that decision.

In the end, Harmony’s two adult biological sons and her 15-year-old adopted son, Michael Townsend-Harmony, were there with Cox-Harmony when their mother died.

At Bleitz Funeral Home in Seattle, Cox-Harmony was unable to sign papers authorizing cremation, which had been her partner’s wish.

“The woman there was sympathetic, and I said, ‘Please don’t make me have to bring those boys here,’ ” Cox-Harmony said. But her partner’s sons did have to give their approval.

There are no Social Security survivor benefits for Cox-Harmony, who is working with a mortgage company to assume payments on her partner’s house. Harmony did have a will stating that her house and possessions go to her children.

Michael, who attends Cascade High School, wants to stay with Cox-Harmony and continue to visit his father, who lives in the area. That’s how Cox-Harmony wants it.

“It was the one thing I wanted, a family,” she said as Michael sat nearby, holding a puppy in a rocking chair.

The house is full of dogs, cats and birds. Harmony, her partner said, wasn’t just an animal lover.

“She was an everything lover. Life with Kitty was a cabaret,” Cox-Harmony said. “You never knew what the day would bring, but you knew you’d have fun.”

With a new widow’s sadness, she picked up a folder filled with the paperwork that comes with death. She held out the certified death certificate, then carefully handed me their marriage certificate, the most tangible thing left from that landmark day in March.

They had stood in line for hours at the courthouse in Portland, then were married by a minister at a place down the street called Rose and Raindrops. Two other couples were witnesses, and they returned the favor. Later, they exchanged toasts.

“It wasn’t a lark, it wasn’t a joke. We made a commitment,” Cox-Harmony said. “But until we step into reality, treat each other with respect and dignity, and give everyone the same privileges, we will never be equal.”

Columnist Julie Muhlstein: 425-339-3460 or muhlsteinjulie@heraldnet.com.

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