Hope lives for those who have lost child

A mother remembers a skier:

"He was a ski instructor at Snoqualmie and one of the early snow boarders," said Ann Thomas, a minister at Unity Church for Today in Lynnwood.

Her son, Mike, had served in the Persian Gulf War as a Marine Corps reservist.

When he died in a motorcycle accident nearly eight years ago, Thomas said, "he was one day short of getting out of the Marines, one week short of his 24th birthday, and one quarter short of graduating from the University of Washington."

I asked Thomas what Mike’s college major had been.

"He majored in people," she said with a hearty laugh. "Mike wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with his life, but he was an adventuresome sort."

That Thomas can laugh at all is testament to the resilience of the human spirit. She’s an inspiring member of the unluckiest club, having suffered life’s supreme trial — the loss of a child.

Thomas is able, now, to embrace others whose children have died with a hopeful message: Take heart, you will survive.

She’ll honor her son and all young people who have died during a candlelight ceremony starting at 6:30 p.m. Sunday at Cypress Lawn Memorial Park in Everett.

The event, one of several in Snohomish County and hundreds elsewhere, marks National Children’s Memorial Day. The candle lighting, to be held around the world at 7 p.m. in each time zone, is intended to circle the globe "so that their light may always shine," according to the Compassionate Friends organization, which began the observance.

Thomas said her son’s death propelled her into grief work. "It’s a unique experience. When children die, it’s out of the normal sequence. It throws your world out of order."

Add to that our culture’s lack of ritual or understanding for the grieving, and survivors may be left in pain and isolation.

"You have three days off, and you should be over it. Excuse me — it doesn’t work that way," Thomas said. "Some people avoid being with you, they don’t know what to say. We want to remember. We want to talk about that person.

"It’s important to have a place where it’s OK to grieve," Thomas said. "That’s what this service is about."

Loss is particularly acute during the holidays.

"The first year, it can be helpful to do something different, and also take time to honor the one who’s gone," Thomas said. "Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, those are difficult times. ‘I’ll Be Home for Christmas’ is the hardest song."

Two years ago, I met with Mike Murphy to talk about his son on the eve of National Children’s Memorial Day, observed annually the second Sunday of December. Patrick Murphy was killed in a car accident on Father’s Day 1999.

Murphy, a longtime educator in the Monroe School District, described being helped by the company of others.

At first, he said in 1999, "it’s like you’re in a cocoon."

"Then the cocoon unravels, and you’re left with the grass to cut and laundry to do, except your heart has been ripped apart," he said.

Knowing he wasn’t alone helped him out of the darkness. Murphy is now involved in a candlelight ceremony beginning at 6:40 p.m. Sunday at Frank Wagner Elementary School in Monroe.

"You find this whole underground network of people who have suffered your loss, and you start making connections," said Murphy, who now signs his e-mail, "Wishing you peace, love and light."

Thomas said she’ll begin the Everett remembrance with poems and an invitation for people to talk about those they lost.

"For most of them, it’s very raw," she said. "I’ve invited friends who have been through it years ago as examples that we do survive."

Two years ago, Murphy shared words he lives by: "Honor his memory. Love him gone."

To that, all who grieve may find comfort in Thomas’ wisdom: "We move beyond the pain of what we’ve lost into an awareness of what we had."