It’s OK to celebrate milestones after death

  • Julie Muhlstein / Herald Columnist
  • Tuesday, May 14, 2002 9:00pm
  • Local News

Twenty years ago this morning, I got up and went jogging. Not skilled with makeup, I ran through Everett’s Grand Avenue Park to kick out the jitters and get a little color in my cheeks.

Then I went home and took a shower. My parents, in town from Spokane, showed up at my apartment with a florist’s box. We pinned a boutonniere on my dad and flowers in my hair.

Then I went to church to be married. Today is, or would have been, my 20th wedding anniversary.

I was hesitant to write this. As part of our office reshuffle, I just tossed out a half-ton of paper, including the nasty "no more dead husband stories" letter. I had perversely saved the anonymous note in plain sight on my desk.

I’m breaking the rule today not because I feel like whining — I don’t. On any given day, four years after my husband’s death, bills are paid, kids and pets are fed, grades are good, and everyone in my family is sailing along. On any given day, we’re smiling.

But today is my 20th anniversary. It’s OK to talk about it.

That’s what Sidney Rockwell-McCombs says. With a master’s degree in clinical psychology, she manages the Lynnwood site of Compass Health, the behavioral health agency serving Snohomish County.

"Anniversary dates are going to reignite the grief process, and it’s important to acknowledge them," Rockwell-McCombs said. "Pay attention to those triggers. They can involve all different feelings, from sadness to joy over what you had with that person."

What we had was a very good time, from the moment I spotted this lanky young man when he came for a job interview at the Oregon newspaper where I was working in 1980.

Rockwell-McCombs suggests observing a ritual on birthdays or significant dates after losing a loved one. If you’re close to someone who’s had a loss, "it’s a good idea to acknowledge the anniversary with a card or a call. It might be just to share a fun memory," she said.

I’m not the only one who stops to remember, far from it.

Nancy Rutherford, a certified mental health counselor in Arlington, plans to celebrate the birthday of her late father-in-law, who died recently.

"I encourage clients to do that for holidays or dates that were personal between you and the person who died," she said.

For what would have been her father-in-law’s 85th birthday, she’s getting a gift for each of his children. "I’ve been involved in that family since I was 14. This is a time we can still have," she said.

Rutherford’s own father, who died seven years ago, loved Cadbury chocolate. "On the anniversary of his birthday, I give chocolate bars in his name.

"We’re so afraid to talk to the person who’s grieving," Rutherford added. "But I don’t know too many people who would be offended if you said, ‘Oh, Mom, today would have been yours and Dad’s 56th wedding anniversary.’ The fact that somebody acknowledges it is an incredible act of kindness.

"We still want to celebrate that person’s life," she said.

Yes, we do.

As for that person of mine, he innately knew what it took me losing him to learn: that our time here is short, that everyone’s life is quite a story, and that it’s silly to spend a summer grooming the lawn if you haven’t seen the Grand Canyon.

We had a great time. We missed our honeymoon flight, something I fussed about at the time but am laughing about today.

Contact Julie Muhlstein via e-mail at muhlsteinjulie@heraldnet.com, write to her at The Herald, P.O. Box 930, Everett, WA 98206, or call 425-339-3460.

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