It’s only polite to ask two questions first

For 2004, let’s make a promise to employ my two-question courtesy rule.

Like basketball teams that are required to pass the ball three times before they shoot or before you shoot off your mouth, ask two questions.

To demonstrate the rule, I’ll share a conversation I had in October with a "friend."

Me: "My cat died of cancer."

Friend: "My cat Barney was sick recently but it was only a hair ball."

That hurt my feelings. The loss of my cat was so insignificant in the friend’s world that it didn’t prompt one question about my pain.

In a courteous world, I think a person should always ask two questions before launching into comebacks about themselves.

Do you know self-centered people who don’t ask you questions after you make a declaration? Are you one of those people?

I just can’t stand that.

After you ask me two questions about the topic, you may tell me about your pet. I want to know about your pet. I will ask you two questions about your pet, but if you were a kind person, not a big uncaring blowhard, you would ask me two questions about my statement before you make your comment.

When I tell you my cat died, here are some suggested comebacks: "I’m so sorry. Had he been sick long? How are your other cats handling it? Is there anything I can do?"

Hard to believe I did not hear that sort of thing very often when I lost my pet, Guy Guy. Most, and I mean most listeners, launched right into stories about their pets before they acknowledged my loss.

Here is another example of my two-question theory from a possible casual conversation:

Me: "We are going to go on a cruise in May."

Friend: "I love cruising, especially when we went around the Greek Isles."

Wait a minute. I was trying to be friendly by beginning a conversation and sharing some news that is important to me, and the person I told couldn’t ask details about my cruise?

Here is how the conversation should go:

Me: "We are going to go on a cruise in May."

Friend: "How nice. Where are you going?"

Me: "We are going to leave from New Orleans and make three stops in the Caribbean."

Friend: "You really deserve a getaway. Are you planning to shop?"

Me: "I understand silver jewelry will be very cheap."

Friend: "When we traveled to Cozumel, the silver was a good bargain."

Me: "Did you take any tours in Cozumel?"

See, the friend asked me two questions before telling me about their cruising experiences.

It was a real conversation, with give and take, that would make me feel important in someone’s life. If you downplay what I tell you, by immediately turning the conversation to yourself, I have no time for you. You are not a nice person or my friend.

Think about it. If someone says they are having a baby in June, is your first thought that you had a baby in June? Then think again. Savor the friend’s news with some cheery chatter. Ask if the baby room is ready. Ask how they are feeling.

Don’t launch right into a diatribe about your three pregnancies.

When I am treated with conversation kindness, I return kindness. And it isn’t fake. I really want to know about your cruise to Cozumel. By using my two- question rule, we can truly have a friendly conversation.

I admit that I have to remind myself about my own rule. A friend recently told me they were going out to dinner to celebrate the third anniversary of their proposal.

I almost blew it and said, "We always celebrate the anniversary of the day we met."

But with just a second’s thought, I took the high road. Here is how the conversation went:

Friend: "We are going out to dinner to celebrate the third anniversary of our proposal."

Me: "What a cool remembrance. Where are you going?"

Friend: "To the River City Grill in Marysville."

Me: "Do you have a coupon?"

In this case, it didn’t seem necessary to even throw in anything about my anniversaries. Hey, what a concept. Every conversation doesn’t have to come back to me.

I’m not saying I am a perfect friend, but I usually take the time to find out about you. It’s nice when people take the time to find out about me. Make a new friend, or keep old ones, by using the two-question rule.

Let’s see how it works in 2004.

Columnist Kristi O’Harran: 425-339-3451 or oharran@heraldnet.com.