Mill Creek church welcomes those grieving at Christmas

MARYSVILLE — For Kelli Smith there’s a hole — like a piece missing from a quilt.

The grief catches her in random, unexpected ways, the Marysville woman said.

Sometimes, it taps her on the shoulder when she sees a sweatshirt in a store and she realizes she doesn’t have a reason to buy it anymore.

Sometimes, when she’s out with a friend and she laughs it provokes an ache she can’t describe.

It hurts most when she sets the table.

Kelli’s brother Chuck Smith died Sept. 23. More than 180 people attended his memorial service at Trinity Episcopal Church in Everett. She’s 39. He would have celebrated his 44th birthday Dec. 12.

Donna Vande Kieft, a hospice chaplain and a pastor at Trinity Episcopal Church, knows the Christmas season can be a tough time for the brokenhearted. She also believes Jesus came to comfort those who are suffering.

So Vande Kieft has organized a service called The Longest Night Worship Service. It’s scheduled for 7 p.m. Dec. 21 to coincide with the Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year. It’s set to be held at Advent Lutheran Church, 4306 132nd St. SE, Mill Creek.

“It’s very difficult for people who have had a loss to even get out at all,” Vande Kieft said. “With grief, sometimes we anticipate the holidays with a loved one but because of a loss, it’s changed.”

The feeling that other people are celebrating, hearing all the happy songs, seeing what our culture has done to Christmas can make the holidays difficult, she said. People feel lonely, especially in the midst of parties.

The loss may be due to a death, a job loss, a divorce. It can be a sense of loss caused by a mental illness or post-traumatic stress disorder or living with someone struggling with these issues, Vande Kieft said.

For those experiencing a difficult time, the pageantry common in crowded sanctuaries at Christmas can be too much. A Longest Night Worship Service, sometimes called a Blue Christmas service, can provide a respite — a somber, intimate gathering where a person can find solace and permission to grieve, she said.

Such services are designed to focus on Jesus’ coming at Christmas and how he can provide peace in spite of circumstances, Vande Kieft said. People can light a candle, sing and enjoy music. Vande Kieft plans to read from Isaiah, the Psalms and the Gospel of Matthew, books in the Bible that talk about God’s comfort.

Debbie Shaffer and Mary Case, two Stephen Ministers, plan to give out the 50 fleece prayer shawls they’ve made. Shaffer and Case are Christian lay people trained in grief counseling.

Kelli Smith and her parents, Myron and Jann Smith, also plan to attend the service.

“We try hard not to be gloomy and depressed,” Jann Smith said. Still, there was a brief moment recently when Jann Smith thought she couldn’t celebrate Christmas this year, she said. Then she thought about her four grandchildren and knew she had to go on.

Myron Smith said his family started grieving 38 years ago.

That’s how much time has passed since Chuck Smith was hit by a truck in the street in front of his home when he was 5. For reasons no one knows, Chuck had taken his bicycle out of the fenced yard and into the street, Myron Smith said.

The accident left Chuck Smith in a coma. He was not expected to live. When he awoke from the coma, he had extensive brain damage that left him disabled and partially paralyzed. He could use only his left arm.

Despite his challenges, or perhaps because of them, Chuck Smith taught his family how to laugh, how to be patient, how to persevere, Myron Smith said.

“He could only use one hand so his signing vocabulary was limited,” Myron Smith said.

“He would say, ‘Chuck go store Mom Dad,’” Kelli Smith said.

Like many families, the Smiths share a Christmas tradition. The whole family gathers to have a Christmas breakfast together, said Jann Smith.

This year, Kelli Smith will have to remind herself to set one less place.

“I still have Chuck here,” Myron Smith said, holding his hand to his chest, making the sign for “heart.”

Reporter Leita Hermanson Crossfield: 425-339-3449 or crossfield@heraldnet.com.