One man’s epic battle with moles

  • Debra Smith
  • Tuesday, October 9, 2007 12:41pm
  • Local News

Nobody battles moles like the Croziers of Snohomish. At least, that’s what the people at Sweeney’s, a maker of mole, vole and gopher “solutions,” think. They awarded Helen Crozier grand prize in their “I Hate Moles Because…” contest. Entrants had to submit a 500-word essay extolling their mole and vole woes. Crozier’s winning entry was a poem about her husband’s epic battle with moles. She won a $500 Lowe’s gift certificate for her verse.

The Charge of the Mole Patrol

My husband had a war

Our lawn the battle ground

Until the moles were gone

No peace was to be found

Dirt piles make the mower dull

So my husband, he was sworn

That one day he’d wake up

With no mole hills in the morn

At first it was amusing

Earth friendly that he is

Garlic blends and castor oil

He even tried cat whiz

But as the weeks wore on

His methods were less green

The moles were playing dirty

My husband getting mean

He built himself a blower

And tried to blow exhaust

But the moles were pretty savvy

And that battle, it was lost

He started buying smoke bombs

Spent hundreds on those things

But the moles knew to avoid them

Twas like their feet had wings

He set out many mole traps

They never set off one

They tunneled right around them

The moles were having fun…

He thought that he could drown them

By filling up their holes

But that battle, it was doomed

And the victor was the moles

He got out bottle rockets

And shot them down their hills

I feared the moles were winning

In this battle of the wills

He got out bigger fireworks

It seemed like overkill

And I was getting worried

Not sure whose blood would spill

My husband turned to chemistry

Mixed ammonia up with bleach

The moles were having none of it

They dug beyond his reach

When he rented a compacter

To make their tunnels flat

I knew he’d gone crazy

As loony as a bat

So now my man’s in therapy

Too many mole hills crossed

And we’re going to buy a condo

For the war, it has been lost.

Mrs. Crozier would also like to announce that anyone who wants a mole should contact her for free moles, you dig.

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