Overheard on the police beat

Sketchy Herald tipster:
“I wanted to call the cops, but I didn’t have their number.”

Medic 1: “What’s the patient’s status?
Medic 2: “40s male, heart palpitations after rocking the ganj’.”

“Are there any provisions that require a vehicle to have a hood to operate on the highway?”

Cop 1: “He tries to use us as his thumb to manipulate his wife or girlfriend or whoever she is.”
Cop 2: “Oh, OK, isn’t he the guy that we’ve been out to like 15 times in the last two days?”
Cop 1, sarcastically: “At least 200 times.”

“It’s a neighborly dispute. They’re both cool with us, but they hate each other.”

“Someone stole from a lemonade stand, we don’t know who, they sort of have a description, just go, get the description, we’re not gonna find anybody but just … you know … show that you care.”