Peggy Lee has nothing on our vice president, folks

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the second show here at Club Boom Boom. Won’t you welcome once again the sultry and sophisticated song stylings of the one, the only: Mr. Dick Cheney!"

"Thank you. Thank you. Good to see you tonight. I thought we might start out this set with something nice and cool — but then I said to the boys, ‘Boys? Cool is cool, but I’m feeling kinda hot tonight, you know what I mean?’ Yeah. The boys know what I mean. So why don’t we give the people some extra Fahrenheit, OK? We’ll turn up the thermostat with a little number called … well, you know what it’s called. Hit it, boys!"

Never know how much I loathe him,

Loathe the man they call Hussein,

Ev’ry time I think about him,

I get a fever runnin’ ‘round my brain.

He gives me fever —

Fever in the open,

Fever when he’s out of sight,

Fever leaves me boiling,

Fever ‘cause I know I’m right.

Trailers full of mass destruction,

Stacks of missiles to the roof,

Cozy with that thug Osama,

When you’re certain, who needs proof?

I’ve got the fever —

Fever, he’s a menace,

Fever, he’s the Holy Grail,

Fever, he’s in trouble,

Fever, there’s no way we fail.

Didn’t take him down the first time,

Shoulda done it there and then,

Waiting for another moment,

He won’t slip away again.

He gives me fever —

Fever with his swagger,

Fever with his vows and struts,

Fever, he’s a goner,

No more ifs or ands or buts.

You can say it’s pure fixation,

You can say I can’t let go,

I know what my heart is saying,

I know that he moves me so.

He gives me fever —

Fever when I’m sleeping,

Fever when I’m wide awake,

Fever, start your engines,

This’ll be a piece of cake.

Fever with his secrets,

Fever with his evil grin,

Fever with his weapons,

Fever — let the fun begin,

Fever — it’s an easy win,

Fever — he’ll throw in the towel,

Fever — who needs Colin Powell?

Fever!!!

Rick Horowitz is a nationally syndicated columnist. Contact him by writing to

rickhoro@execpc.com.

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