Shed a tear, dear; don’t sob, Bob

NEW YORK — “Please, please, please, just give the dog back,” Ellen DeGeneres wept on national TV last week. It was a moment that quickly established itself in the pop culture firmament, less for the plight of Iggy the adopted terrier than for the copious crying itself.

Setting aside the question of whether those sobs were 100 percent genuine, tears are a natural human response, and public figures are obviously not immune. But some who study this most basic expression of feeling will tell you that in this day and age, it can be easier for a crying man to be taken seriously than a crying woman.

In politics, it’s a far cry (OK, pun intended) from 1972, when Sen. Ed Muskie’s presidential campaign was derailed by what were perceived to be tears in response to a newspaper attack on his wife. Whether he actually cried is still up for debate. But decades later, an occasional Clintonesque tear is seen as a positive thing.

Bill Clinton, that is.

“Bill could cry, and did, but Hillary can’t,” says Tom Lutz, a professor at the University of California, Riverside, who authored an exhaustive history of crying. In other words, the same tearful response that would be seen as sensitivity in Bill could be seen as a lack of control in his wife.

But there are additional rules for acceptable public crying. “We’re talking about dropping a tear,” Lutz notes, “no more than a tear or two.” And it all depends on the perceived seriousness of the subject matter. Thus Jon Stewart or David Letterman could choke up with impunity just after 9/11. But a dog-adoption problem is a whole other matter.

In a recently published study at Penn State, researchers sought to explore differing perceptions of crying in men and women, presenting their 284 subjects with a series of hypothetical vignettes.

What they found is that reactions depended on the type of crying, and who was doing it. A moist eye was viewed much more positively than open crying, and males got the most positive responses.

“Women are not making it up when they say they’re damned if they do, damned if they don’t,” said Stephanie Shields, the psychology professor who conducted the study. “If you don’t express any emotion, you’re seen as not human, like Mr. Spock on ‘Star Trek,’ ” she said. “But too much crying, or the wrong kind, and you’re labeled as overemotional, out of control and possibly irrational.”

That comes as no surprise to Suzyn Waldman, a well-known broadcaster of Yankee games on New York’s WCBS Radio.

Earlier this month, she choked up for several seconds on live radio just as the Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs. She was describing the scene as manager Joe Torre’s coaches choked up themselves, watching him at the podium and foreseeing the end of an era.

Her tearful report quickly became an Internet hit, and she was mocked far and wide, especially on radio, with her voice, for example, played over the song “Big Girls Don’t Cry.”

“This turned into something pretty ugly,” Waldman said in an interview. “I don’t throw around the word ‘sexist,’ but this was as sexist as it gets.”

For a little historical perspective, says Lutz, author of “Crying: The Natural and Cultural History of Tears,” it’s helpful to look back to the 19th century, when skillful politicians such as Abraham Lincoln used tears as a natural part of their oratory.

The tide later shifted against male crying, but in the last 30 to 40 years male crying has gained in acceptability.

“Every president since Ronald Reagan has used tears at some point,” says Shields, the Penn State psychologist.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Local News

Customers enter and exit the Costco on Dec. 2, 2022, in Lake Stevens. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Costco stores could be impacted by looming truck driver strike threat

Truck drivers who deliver groceries and produce to Costco warehouses… Continue reading

Two Washington State ferries pass along the route between Mukilteo and Clinton as scuba divers swim near the shore Sunday, Oct. 22, 2023, in Mukilteo, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Ferry system increases ridership by a half million in 2024

Edmonds-Kingston route remains second-busiest route in the system.

Jasmine Donahue talks about being a place for people leave messages when looking for family members, friends or loved ones on the street on Thursday, Jan. 9, 2025 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Everett extends deadline for homeless service facing closure

Hope ‘N Wellness must now comply with city zoning laws by April 30. The organization is “grateful,” its owner said, but still hopes for a permanent solution.

New Greater Everett Chamber of Commerce CEO CEO Wendy Poischbeg speaks at a kick off event on Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2025 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
‘Everett Rising’: Wednesday’s chamber luncheon to showcase a new era of growth.

The Greater Everett Chamber of Commerce is beginning its efforts… Continue reading

The Edmonds School District building on Friday, Feb. 14, 2025 in Lynnwood, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Edmonds School District faces estimated $8.5 million deficit

The shortfall is lower than previous years, but the effects are “cumulative,” Superintendent Rebecca Miner said.

Robin Cain with 50 of her marathon medals hanging on a display board she made with her father on Thursday, Jan. 2, 2025 in Lake Stevens, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Running a marathon is hard. She ran one in every state.

Robin Cain, of Lake Stevens, is one of only a few thousand people to ever achieve the feat.

People line up to grab food at the Everett Recovery Cafe on Wednesday, Dec. 4, 2024 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Coffee, meals and compassion are free at the Everett Recovery Cafe

The free, membership-based day center offers free coffee and meals and more importantly, camaraderie and recovery support.

Hundreds rally against Trump on Presidents Day in Everett

People lined Broadway with signs and flags, similar to other protests across the country.

The Everett Wastewater Treatment Plant along the Snohomish River on Thursday, June 16, 2022 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Everett water, sewer rates could jump 43% by 2028

The rate hikes would pay for improvements to the city’s sewer infrastructure.

The bond funded new track and field at Northshore Middle School on Thursday, Oct. 24, 2024 in Bothell, Washington. (Courtesy of Northshore School District)
Northshore School District bond improvements underway

The $425 million bond is funding new track and field complexes, playgrounds and phase one of two school replacements.

Alina Langbehn, 6, center, and Vera A., 6, right, sit on a swing together at Drew Nielsen Neighborhood Park after school on Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2025 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Everett council votes to renovate Drew Nielsen Park

Construction on the $345,000 upgrade could start as early as this fall.

Northshore School District bus driver Stewart O’Leary pictured next to his buses shattered drivers side windshield on Friday, Feb. 14, 2025 in Bothell, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
‘Put me in, coach’: Bus driver back at work after struck by metal bar

Stewart O’Leary, a Northshore employee, has received national attention for his composure during a frightening bus trip.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.