It’s been called a club that no one wants to join. But almost every day, through one tragedy or another, another parent seeks the help of Compassionate Friends.
Members of the national nonprofit organization share one terrible fact of life: Each has lost a child. Whether that child was a newborn or 50 years old, to a grieving parent the loss is like no other.
“You never expect to outlive your children,” said Darlene Erichsen, of Marysville, whose teenage son, Philip, died in a car accident in 1980.
“They’re supposed to bury us,” agreed Nancy Stensrud. Her daughter, Patti Perry, was murdered in 1995. The killer has never been found.
Stensrud, of Camano Island, has been the support group’s coordinator since 1998, organizing and running meetings, but most of all, listening. All that grief, layered onto her own, is a heavy burden – too heavy.
She and other longtime volunteers in the Snohomish County chapter of Compassionate Friends need some help. They want to stay involved while passing the torch of overseeing the group on to others.
“My heart can’t let it go. But I’m burned out,” Stensrud said. “Still, kids keep dying every day.”
In July, the group’s board of directors sent out a plea to those who have been touched by the group.
“A handful of people have struggled to keep the chapter going, but we cannot continue in this manner any longer,” said the letter, which added that without a chapter leader, treasurer or newsletter editor, monthly meetings and other resources would likely disappear.
Erichsen and Jean Shirley, of Lake Stevens, have been involved in the Snohomish County chapter since 1983, when Jim and Jan Shipman, of the Schaefer-Shipman Funeral Home in Marysville, enlisted help from Compassionate Friends in Seattle to launch a group in Snohomish County.
Shirley’s son, Dan, burned to death in a logging truck accident in June 1983. “Four years later, my son Terry died of gastroenteritis. My husband died in between,” Shirley said. Through it all, starting with the “plunk, plunk, plunk” of an old manual typewriter, she put out the Compassionate Friends newsletter.
She’s on the group’s board, but like Stensrud, she wants “to take a back seat.”
“They’ve been doing this a long time,” said Glenda Lynch, who will soon take over newsletter duties. Lynch, of Lake Stevens, isn’t as far on the grief journey as the others. Her 13-year-old son, Shane, died July 16, 1999, of injuries caused by legal fireworks.
She remembers being inspired by Shirley’s story at her first Compassionate Friends meeting. “She had gone through so much, but she was still here, she still believed in the Lord,” Lynch said of Shirley.
Lynch picked Shirley’s name out of the newsletter to be what the group calls a “phone friend.”
“I had so much anger and resentment. I’d call Jean and use every four-letter word,” Lynch said.
“You needed to get it off your chest,” Shirley replied to Lynch. “I’ve listened to a lot of people.”
The bond they formed is one example of what Erichsen said is the heart of Compassionate Friends’ mission. “By being good listeners, but telling our stories, we want people to know there is hope,” Erichsen said. “As seasoned grievers, we reach out to the newly bereaved. All the energy that was directed inward begins to flow outward, and we’re both helped to heal.”
Lynch is just one willing to help. She can’t do it all. Families whose losses were a decade or more ago shouldn’t have to do it all.
Stensrud was instrumental in launching the Snohomish County Sheriff’s Office’s cold-case squad. “My life is going in different directions,” she said.
She hopes others who have been enlisted into the club through tragedy will discover what she has: “I found the secret to getting better was getting involved.”
“You can never pay all the people back who have helped you,” Lynch said. “But you can pay it forward.”
Columnist Julie Muhlstein: 425-339-3460 or muhlsteinjulie@heraldnet.com.
Compassionate Friends
The Snohomish County chapter of Compassionate Friends, a support group for bereaved parents, meets at 7 p.m. the third Thursday of each month at Marysville United Methodist Church, 5600 64th St. NE.
To keep going, the group needs volunteers to help as chapter leader and facilitator, treasurer and other duties. Call Nancy Stensrud, 360-387-4855; Darlene Erichsen, 360-659-3663; or Jean Shirley, 425-334-8115.
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