The host we love to hate

  • RANDY ADAMS / edge correspondent
  • Monday, September 11, 2000 9:00pm
  • Local News

Dr. Real: Good morning, listeners. Welcome to “The Dr. Real Show,” the radio program that tells its pretentious, ignorant callers how to solve their self-created problems. Our first caller is Laura from New York who says she’s having problems fitting in at work. Hello, Laura. How low have you sunk?

Dr. Laura: Hello, Dr. Real. I’m a first-time caller. I don’t know why people don’t like me. It just seems like everywhere I go these days, someone is protesting my new TV show or a corporation is pulling its sponsorship.

Dr. Real: And why do you think they’re doing that?

Dr. Laura: Well, they’re a little mad that I said single mothers can’t raise children correctly. But you’ve got to agree with me, Doctor, children who grow up in those broken homes are sure to turn out to be hooligans.

Dr. Real: What about all the nonhooligan children who have been raised by single mothers?

Dr. Laura: That must be some kind of biological error.

Dr. Real: Right. Is that the only reason you’ve caused controversy?

Dr. Laura: Not exactly. For some reason, people are taking offense to my calling homosexuals deviant. That bunch of genetic misfits has been riding my tail since my plans for a TV show were announced.

Dr. Real: I can see how that might upset some people. So you said that gays and lesbians shouldn’t be parents as well?

Dr. Laura: And I suggested that gay men are all pedophiles.

Dr. Real: Laura, I have to say-

Dr. Laura: That’s Dr. Laura. I may not be recognized by the medical community, but I feel comfortable taking a title that most others have to go to college to earn.

Dr. Real: You’re not even a real doctor?!

Dr. Laura: Not to some people. But now companies like AT&T and Radio Shack have dropped their sponsorships! What am I going to do?

Dr. Real: Laura, I’ll give you some advice. First of all, drop the title; you’re not fooling anyone. Secondly, recognize that in our society, millions of single mothers working so hard to raise their kids don’t need your outdated rhetoric telling them that they’re effectively abusing their children. And about all that gay bashing, get with the times. Your “biological error” friends are a part of our culture, while your 1950s closed-mindedness is quickly waning.

Dr. Laura: Then I guess you and all your other sinful friends will have fun burning in hell together! (click)

Dr. Real: Next on the line we have Howard, who says his objectification of females is making it hard for him to meet new friends…


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