As a stymied author of a novel I’ll never find time to write, I had the beginnings of a plot.
The idea was this: tree-lined street, three big old houses. Who lives there? Not Mom, Dad, Buddy and Sis.
In each house, there’s a woman with a story. One is an elderly widow. One, a single mother. One is unmarried and childless, her life full of friends and interests.
The scenario didn’t come out of the blue. It’s a not-too-fictionalized version of my street. Our traditional-looking houses aren’t exactly what they appear to be. Single people are in charge.
I liked this plot because it seemed unusual. Actually, it’s not unusual at all.
A week ago, The New York Times reported that for the first time in history, married couples make up a minority of households in the United States. Just 49.7 percent of the country’s 111.1 million households in 2005 were headed by married couples, with or without children, according to the American Community Survey, released this month by the U.S. Census Bureau.
In 2000, married couples made up 52 percent of households. The change since then is largely attributed to young adults waiting longer to marry and older ones living longer after being widowed or divorced.
A breakdown by cities showed local surprises: In Everett, 63.4 percent of households are headed by unmarried people. In Seattle, it’s a whopping 67.2 percent.
I expected to be married a long, long time, but I was widowed in 1998. It doesn’t feel as though I’m part of any majority. In many ways and in many places – from income tax returns and insurance benefits to school activities – marriage is the assumption.
The stability of marriage may be preferable in most every way. But for a great many of us, for whatever reasons, it isn’t the reality.
Think of singles, and a picture of model-perfect young people from the TV show “Friends” may come to mind. A look at support groups listed recently in The Herald shows many ways of being unmarried:
There’s a Circle of Friends for widows and widowers; DivorceCare for divorce recovery; Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays; and Parents Without Partners. It’s all ages, and all situations.
A solo life can happen against one’s will. Leslie Lasher’s husband, Jeffrey, died in 2001. At 52, the Lake Stevens area woman has three children, ages 20, 18 and 9.
“Most of my friends are married, some happily, some unhappily. They struggle financially and time-wise,” Lasher said. “I sometimes think: Look at your struggle, with the two of you. Imagine what it’s like for me, one person trying to juggle all the balls.”
Thomas Coleman, a California attorney, is interested in fairness for unmarried people. His Web site, www.unmarriedamerica.org, has financial, legal and other information related to singles.
“Political parties, both Republicans and Democrats, will not address the issue of fairness for singles,” said Coleman, 58. “They don’t want to talk about singles issues for fear of being labeled anti-marriage or anti-family. Most singles are living in a family environment.”
Kids, pets, station wagon, soccer practice, I’m all about family. I just don’t happen to have a spouse.
Don’t think unfairness exists? You’ve never lost a spouse and promptly gained a boost in your car insurance rate.
“Marital status is taken into consideration in terms of taxes, insurance and employee benefits,” Coleman said. “As far as I’m concerned, your right to fair treatment shouldn’t depend on marital status.”
Coleman sees spousal and family discounts everywhere from health clubs and auto associations to travel packages – with marriage being the definition of family.
Some states are making changes to allow parents to cover unmarried adult children on their health insurance. Many employers now offer health coverage to domestic partners.
While a student at Loyola Law School in Los Angeles, Coleman came up with a “Single Person’s Bill of Rights.” His zeal grew from trying to rent an apartment during college with his partner, to whom he wasn’t married.
“We had to pretend we were related,” Coleman said. In some cities, he said, zoning codes allowed “15 people related by blood to live together, but four people who were unrelated couldn’t. In some areas of the country ‘The Golden Girls’ wouldn’t be able to live together.”
The message of the new majority isn’t that marriage is on its way out. Most young people plan to marry, and most older ones have been married.
The message is, most of us are single for a considerable portion of our lives. Society should recognize that.
“If it isn’t you today, it will be tomorrow,” Coleman said.
Columnist Julie Muhlstein: 425-339-3460 or muhlsteinjulie@heraldnet.com.
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