The newspaper industry was rocked Tuesday by news that its shining star, the Weekly World News tabloid, is ceasing publication.
This means shoppers will no longer be able to read about the world’s most neurotic rodent or claims that Mars is made of chocolate while they’re stuck in line behind that person who appears unlikely to get their groceries home without a U-Haul.
In tribute, we’d like to share what some of today’s stories might say if they appeared in the WWN.
The real story: A set of stamps featuring superheroes will be released Thursday.
The WWN story: Whistleblowers at the Postal Service urged that stamps featuring superheroes be scrapped because they showed evidence of having actual superpowers.
One worker found a box of postage swinging from a spider web, while others reported minor finger injuries inflicted by the Hulk and Wolverine stamps.
The real story: Amazon.com Inc. reported that its second-quarter profits had tripled, thanks to strong worldwide sales.
The WWN story: Amazon.com’s second-quarter profits were out of this world, thanks to aliens on Pluto.
A spokesman said they still appear to be struggling with their home’s ouster from the solar system, noting that self-help books, such as “What to Do When You’re Dumped,” made up a large portion of sales.
Of course, the real WWN isn’t dead yet, and it will keep up its Web site, http://www.weeklyworldnews.com. Let us recommend this story: “The Moon is Made of Green Cheese — BUT WHAT ABOUT MARS?”
We suggest that you refrain from drinking chocolate milk, or any other beverage, while you read, lest you laugh so hard that it comes out your nose.
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