OK. Christmas is over and the New Year is upon us, so it’s time for a few resolutions and wishes.
We’ll get the easy one out of the way first.
Lately, I’ve been having trouble seeing my toes. I believe that this is due to the fact that since about mid-November I’ve been eating things my doctor says I shouldn’t even be looking at. So, this year, I’m going to offload a few pounds. Even though I’ve been making this same resolution for about the past 20 years with no apparent success, I see no reason to stop now.
The bright spot in all of this is that when I die, it’ll be with a smile on my face and a two-octave burp on my lips.
Now, with that one out of the way, here are a few more resolutions and wishes for 2007.
* I’ll stop heaving things at the television whenever I watch a “reporter” struggling to explain the obvious or, worse, abusing the English language. For instance, if some microphone-holding bonehead yet again stands out in the middle of a storm to show us that (why, yes, as a matter of fact) it is both windy and wet inside of one, I will remain outwardly calm and merely grind my teeth to nubs. Further, whenever one of these individuals explains that young salmon “out-migrate” to reach the ocean, I will content myself with hoping that his or her children attend school where “group grope” math is required and recess isn’t. Given time, that should exact an appropriate revenge.
* Each night, I will get down on my knees and pray that Michael Jackson stays hidden away wherever it is that he’s hidden away and that Britney Spears becomes reacquainted with the theory of underwear.
* I will attempt to rekindle my fast-fading hope that politicians come to realize that simply throwing money at any problem – large or small – is not a solution but, rather, the beginning of another problem. What’s the figure now for waste and fraud after Katrina? I’ve heard $2 billion, and that’s likely to grow.
* I will refrain from asking the young men I see walking around with the seat of their pants located at the approximate level of their knees whether or not they understand the function of a belt.
* I will attempt to learn something about basketball so that I can understand what’s so exciting about a group of tall individuals running around in oversized underwear trying to stuff a ball into a basket that’s been mounted too high. When, dear Lord, does spring training begin?
* Should Seattle decide to replace the viaduct with a tunnel, I will avoid the urge to predict that whatever cost estimate is given, that amount should be multiplied by a factor of at least three to produce a more accurate number. You see, large government projects are to money as black holes are to light. They swallow forever any amount that gets near.
* I will write letters to computer manufacturers to remind them that there are many of us out here who want nothing more than the electronic version of a hammer. Attach as many “features” as you want to most of your computers, but have at least one model that can be used simply to write a letter, add a column of figures, get on the Internet with one click, and play a game of solitaire. That’s all most of us need.
* I will send similar letters to the manufacturers of remote controls. Such letters will state that these things should have, at most, three buttons: Power, Volume, and Channel Change. The rest is insanity.
* I will continue to hope that the members of the ever more intrusive “food police” consume so much mulch, twigs and tree bark (or whatever else it is they salivate over) that they all die of Dutch Elm disease.
* I will stop pointing out to my “tired of hearing about it” wife that all of the “syndromes” now appearing in ads everywhere sure seem to be associated with: 1. My generation (baby boomers) getting older; and 2. Drug companies producing a ton of pills they need to sell.
* Finally, I’ll keep my fingers crossed that, over the next 11 months, the bigwigs at the Port of Seattle go see that fellow from Oz about brains, courage and heart. This to prevent a rerun of the recent foolishness regarding Christmas trees at SeaTac Airport.
Happy New Year!
Larry Simoneaux lives in Edmonds. Comments can be sent to email@example.com.