If a pilgrim couple were suddenly plopped down at your Thanksgiving celebration, what would be their first impression:
1. What colorful but buckle-less finery do these people don.
2. What’s the spread and over-under on the Lions?
3. What are those shiny rectangular objects that have kept the modern family from noticing that a pilgrim couple sits at their table?
Let’s stir the lumpy headlines.
“Modern men tend to overeat like cavemen to impress women”: It usually works, but backfires when a drive-in’s order of mammoth ribs tips over your car.
“News photographer’s tripod mistaken for gun prompts 911 call”: In order to prevent future hysteria, news photographers are now only allowed to carry the very recognizable, and nonthreatening, selfie sticks.
“Texas: We don’t need academics to fact-check our textbooks”: The state will stick with its current vetting of books conducted by citizen review panels made up of parents, teachers, and members of the general public. Wow. Don’t let the facts get in the way … of a textbook. Or history. (The latest challenge to the Texas Way emerged after a Houston mother found that her child’s newly approved geography textbook referred to African slaves shipped to plantations in the United States between the 1500s and 1800s as “workers ” and “immigrants.”)
“McGraw-Hill to rewrite textbook after mom’s complaint”: At least the textbook publisher was sufficiently humiliated enough to rewrite the parts about African “workers” and “immigrants.” Of course, most schools are stuck with the old textbooks.
“11-year-old kicked off cheer team for not straightening her hair”: The Texas girl obviously failed to study her history books, which clearly state that all cheerleaders shall have straight hair.
“Tamale takedown: Traveler carried 450 illegal pork tamales”: Yum. Traditional carry-on pork. At least one holiday celebration should be a little safer now.
“Review: ‘Carol’ is an acting masterclass”: Acting! Brilliant! Thank you! (As Jon Lovitz’ Saturday Night Live character, The Master Thespian, would emote.) I like to ad lib: “No applause, just money.”
“Too much screen time can cause digital dizziness, motion sickness”: Cybersickness is increasingly common. “It causes a person to feel woozy, as if on a boat in a churning sea, from viewing moving digital content,” The New York Times reported. And for the extra sensitive among us, just reading that sentence is enough to make you a little queasy.
“Why do young people like socialism more than older people?”: Because older people are safely ensconced in our Medicare and Social Security programs, whereas young people have been told firmly and repeatedly that those programs won’t have any money left by the time they reach retirement age? Just a guess.
“Fossils of rats as big as dogs found in Southeast Asia”: Meanwhile, modern dogs as small as rats can be found everywhere.
“Amish man runs marathon in traditional slacks and suspenders”: Take that, Nike! (Leroy Stolzfus finished the race in three hours and five minutes, a very good time, no Swoosh or spandex necessary.)
Eat like a caveman and over-act like a master thespian this week. “This turducken stuffed with Oreo churros is brilliant! Thank you!”
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; email@example.com.