Burke: Don’t take our advice; take that of our new Agony Uncle

By Tom Burke

I always wanted to write what the British call an “Agony” column ala “Dear Abby.“ It’s where readers decant their most intractable personal problems and the wise and wonderful columnist (known as an Agony Aunts or Uncle) disposes of their dilemmas with wit, wisdom and superbly sage advice.

So, on this April Fools Plus One I’m taking the liberty of assuming a pseudonym (all Agony Aunts and Uncles use one), calling myself “David ‘Deep Thought’ Dennison” (I like the alliteration) and come to the aid of the psychologically suffering. Here goes:

Dear Deep Thought Dennison,

My ex-wife’s step-sister’s former brother-in-law is planning an “Ain’t Trump Great” potluck. What should I wear and what dish should I bring?

True Blue in a Deep Red Family

Without fail show off your MAGA hat ($25.00) and sport a simple “HISTORY IS WATCHING US NOW” tee ($16 down from $20). Alternatively, you can don a long red tie hanging below the belly button paired with a Trump for President tee that proudly proclaims, “T #BigLeague” ($14 down from $18). You’ll also need hip-high muck boots to wade through the evening’s bull-pucky. (Note: All apparel, except the barnyard boots and tie, is actually available online at https://tinyurl.com/TrumpApparel).

For your dish: Stone Soup. The recipe is simple, you put nothing in the pot and everyone else contributes everything they have. It’s an old Russian recipe and Donald’s favorite dish: he gets the soup and contributors get bupkis.

Dear Deep Thought Dennison,

I’m a Republican elected official and I’m worried about the midterms. What can I do to keep my seat?

MugWump in Washington

Switch parties.

Dear Deep Thought Dennison,

My husband’s been secretly watching Stormy Daniels porn. When I busted him, he claimed, “If the leader of the free world can spend time with her, why can’t I?” What should I do?

KellyAnn in Kansas

Stop him now or he’ll buy up back issues of Playboy to ogle Karen McDonald’s centerfold. Explain that Christian men don’t cheat on their wives, even on the internet. No, wait, that won’t work, he’ll just ask for the same mulligan the evangelicals gave Trump. No, use a modified Avenatti threat: Say you won’t de-pose him, you’ll dis-pose (of) him.

Dear Deep Thought Dennison,

I invested heavily in Trump’s campaign, figuring I’d recoup when America was Great again; when Donald’s deal-making brought better foreign trade; when the market wouldn’t tank; and when I’d make big bucks helping build the wall Mexico was paying for. Now the market’s roller-coastering, we’re in a tariff war, everything “Made in China” at WalMart (70 percent to 80 percent of their stuff) will cost me more; and it’s my taxes paying for the wall. Can you recommend a new investment strategy?

Gary (who helped put the gold in Goldman Sachs) C.

Invest in office space with the Kushners at 666 Fifth Ave.; you’ll need the loss to offset profits when you go all-in on Chinese stocks.

Dear Deep Thought Dennison,

I’m 78 and have a Cold War fallout shelter buried in my yard. Should I clean it out and restock it?

Duck&Cover in Duvall

No need. It’s all fine. How could the combined pro-North Korean diplomatic firepower of Russia’s Vladimir Putin, China’s Xi Jinping, and Little Rocket Man match the vast foreign-policy expertise of Donald Trump (who ran a beauty pageant in Moscow); Ivanka Kushner (who makes shoes in Vietnam), Jared (who grew up in a foreign country: New Jersey); and John Bolton (who recently wrote, “It is perfectly legitimate for the United States to respond to the current ‘necessity’ posed by North Korea’s nuclear weapons by striking first.”)? What could go wrong?

Dear Deep Thought Dennison,

I need career advice. I’m again working in the West Wing in policy development/media relations. What should my next career move be?

Sam, who used to work with Josh

Consider one of these four options: 1. Agri-business — manure management pays well and provides more dignity than your current employment; 2. The automotive industry — depending on where in the West Wing you work and your involvement in the campaign, license plate fabrication will keep you busy for a good 20-year stretch; 3. Professional sports — caddying at a Trump country club affords fresh air, good exercise, tips and, as you’re just carrying the bags now, it’s not much of a career change; 4. Transportation offers an outstanding opportunity — the experience you’re gaining re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic-like Trump ship-of-state should land you a job on a Carnival Cruise voyage to nowhere.

Now, gentle reader, if you have a problem like Gary or KellyAnn, just drop me a line. And if you need advice about the mid-terms, like MugWump, here it is: Vote. Vote early and often (Not really). But, really, vote; vote for change; vote to make the Republican enablers Congress’s minority party. And that’s sound advice.

Tom Burke’s email address is t.burke.column@gmail.com.