By Tom Burke
Herald columnist
So ya wanna be a Republican, a member of the Grand Old Party? And you wanna claim the legacy of Lincoln, Eisenhower and Reagan? You wanna oppose them big-government-socialist-communist-tax-and-spend-tree-hugg’in-nanny-state-gun-grabb’in, one-world-government-UN-funding-diversity-promoting-cancel-culture-anti-law-n-order liberals?
Outstanding! Proud you’re putting American First. Welcome.
But, umm, first, before you can become a modern 2021 Republican, ya gotta pass a little test. It’s not hard, just a couple of questions. ‘Cause we can’t let just anyone into our party; you might be another Liz Cheney and we can’t have that, can we?
So please, take the test, so we can ensure you’re in step with today’s Republican values, and then we’ll sign you up. (And one other thing, but that’s later.)
It’s a simple True or False quiz. Ready?
Donald Trump won the 2020 presidential election: True or False?
The deep state secretly running the US government is composed of Satan-worshiping pedophiles who drink children’s blood: True or False?
Trump will be restored to the White House in August: True or False?
Jewish space lasers changed votes to steal the election from Donald Trump: True or False?
Satellites, controlled by an Italian defense contractor, at the direction of the CIA, changed votes to steal the election from Donald Trump: True or False?
Dominion voting machines changed votes to steal the election from Donald Trump: True or False?
Ballot-stuffing in Georgia changed votes to steal the election from Donald Trump: True or False?
The Arizona “audit” will put Trump back in the White House: True or False?
Bill Barr’s weakness helped facilitate the cover-up of the Crime of the Century, the rigged 2020 presidential election: True or False?
The Jan. 6 insurrection — the storming of the Capitol, the call to “Hang Mike Pence,” and the deaths of Capitol police — was engineered by the FBI: True or False?
Covid will simply disappear: True or False?
Trump’s Ukraine communication was, “A perfect phone call: True or False?
Mexico will pay for the Wall: True or False?
Windmills cause cancer: True or False?
The Parkland school shooting was a false flag exercise: True or False?
Migrant caravans of rapists, murderers, coyotes, and drug dealers tried to invade the U.S. in 2018: True or False?
Trump’s campaign HQ was wiretapped by Obama’s Justice Department: True or False?
Obama was not born in the U.S.: True or False?
There are microchips in the covid vaccines: True or False?
Global warming isn’t real, there’s no sea level rise, and the climate isn’t changing: True or False?
Sharpie pens were used to invalidate Trump votes in Arizona: True or False?
Hydroxychloroquine will prevent/cure covid: True or False?
Mail-in voting is fraudulent: True or False?
There really is a “Q” and he (she?) posts on the internet: True or False?
The covid vaccines are a satanic plot, contain antifreeze, their patent number is 666, and they are the mark of the beast: True or False?
The insurrectionists who invaded the Capitol and killed police officers were just acting like normal tourists: True or False?
Biden’s animating ideology is that the United States is rotten to its core: True or False?
The Deep State has been working to undermine Trump since his inauguration in 2017: True or False?
Trump is a stable genius: True or False?
My only pillows are Mike Lindell’s” True or False?
The Capitol Police officer who shot Ashli Babbitt was lying in wait to execute her: True or False?
Voter suppression in the name of “integrity” is democracy at work: True or False?
Trump did not instigate/encourage the riot that invaded the Capitol on Jan 6: True or False?
Gen Mark Milley, chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, is not just a pig, he’s stupid: True or False?
Trump called Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell a, “Dumb son of a bitch.” And he is: True or False?
So how did you do?
Unless you answered true to every question, you’re out! If you don’t believe, 1,000 percent, what people like Ron Johnson, MTG, Boebert, Gomert and the (Republican-real) president say, you are clearly a progressive/liberal/socialist/Black-Lives-Matter-lov’in/critical-race-theory-believe’in/Amerika-hating/Biden-voting Democrat and can’t be a part of the Republican party. We don’t want ya, like we don’t want Liz, Lisa or Mitt.
Now; one last thing:
Fighting Democrats ain’t cheap. And more importantly, insuring our real president, Donald Trump, lives a life style befitting his status as the god-chosen leader to Make America Great Again, you gotta pony up a few bucks. Directly to Donald’s personal account. Every month. For the next four years.
And, because America’s greatest witch hunt is gonna see Mr. Trump indicted, his defense is gonna cost lots. And, because he’s fighting for YOU, and not to enrich himself or his family, why should he pay for his past misdeeds; you should pay for all his years of lying, cheating, chiseling, grifting, womanizing, infidelity, tax fraud, and outright larceny.
So just click the button below and we’ll deduct as much as we need to keep Donald out of prison.
Oh, and welcome to the 2021 Republican Party.
Tom Burke’s email address is t.burke.column@gmail.com.
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