Burke: How Republican are you? Take this test to find out

Even if you’re not, donate a few hundred dollars now and we’ll send you this pillow as our gift to you.

By Tom Burke

Herald columnist

So ya wanna be a Republican, a member of the Grand Old Party? And you wanna claim the legacy of Lincoln, Eisenhower and Reagan? You wanna oppose them big-government-socialist-communist-tax-and-spend-tree-hugg’in-nanny-state-gun-grabb’in, one-world-government-UN-funding-diversity-promoting-cancel-culture-anti-law-n-order liberals?

Outstanding! Proud you’re putting American First. Welcome.

But, umm, first, before you can become a modern 2021 Republican, ya gotta pass a little test. It’s not hard, just a couple of questions. ‘Cause we can’t let just anyone into our party; you might be another Liz Cheney and we can’t have that, can we?

So please, take the test, so we can ensure you’re in step with today’s Republican values, and then we’ll sign you up. (And one other thing, but that’s later.)

It’s a simple True or False quiz. Ready?

Donald Trump won the 2020 presidential election: True or False?

The deep state secretly running the US government is composed of Satan-worshiping pedophiles who drink children’s blood: True or False?

Trump will be restored to the White House in August: True or False?

Jewish space lasers changed votes to steal the election from Donald Trump: True or False?

Satellites, controlled by an Italian defense contractor, at the direction of the CIA, changed votes to steal the election from Donald Trump: True or False?

Dominion voting machines changed votes to steal the election from Donald Trump: True or False?

Ballot-stuffing in Georgia changed votes to steal the election from Donald Trump: True or False?

The Arizona “audit” will put Trump back in the White House: True or False?

Bill Barr’s weakness helped facilitate the cover-up of the Crime of the Century, the rigged 2020 presidential election: True or False?

The Jan. 6 insurrection — the storming of the Capitol, the call to “Hang Mike Pence,” and the deaths of Capitol police — was engineered by the FBI: True or False?

Covid will simply disappear: True or False?

Trump’s Ukraine communication was, “A perfect phone call: True or False?

Mexico will pay for the Wall: True or False?

Windmills cause cancer: True or False?

The Parkland school shooting was a false flag exercise: True or False?

Migrant caravans of rapists, murderers, coyotes, and drug dealers tried to invade the U.S. in 2018: True or False?

Trump’s campaign HQ was wiretapped by Obama’s Justice Department: True or False?

Obama was not born in the U.S.: True or False?

There are microchips in the covid vaccines: True or False?

Global warming isn’t real, there’s no sea level rise, and the climate isn’t changing: True or False?

Sharpie pens were used to invalidate Trump votes in Arizona: True or False?

Hydroxychloroquine will prevent/cure covid: True or False?

Mail-in voting is fraudulent: True or False?

There really is a “Q” and he (she?) posts on the internet: True or False?

The covid vaccines are a satanic plot, contain antifreeze, their patent number is 666, and they are the mark of the beast: True or False?

The insurrectionists who invaded the Capitol and killed police officers were just acting like normal tourists: True or False?

Biden’s animating ideology is that the United States is rotten to its core: True or False?

The Deep State has been working to undermine Trump since his inauguration in 2017: True or False?

Trump is a stable genius: True or False?

My only pillows are Mike Lindell’s” True or False?

The Capitol Police officer who shot Ashli Babbitt was lying in wait to execute her: True or False?

Voter suppression in the name of “integrity” is democracy at work: True or False?

Trump did not instigate/encourage the riot that invaded the Capitol on Jan 6: True or False?

Gen Mark Milley, chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, is not just a pig, he’s stupid: True or False?

Trump called Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell a, “Dumb son of a bitch.” And he is: True or False?

So how did you do?

Unless you answered true to every question, you’re out! If you don’t believe, 1,000 percent, what people like Ron Johnson, MTG, Boebert, Gomert and the (Republican-real) president say, you are clearly a progressive/liberal/socialist/Black-Lives-Matter-lov’in/critical-race-theory-believe’in/Amerika-hating/Biden-voting Democrat and can’t be a part of the Republican party. We don’t want ya, like we don’t want Liz, Lisa or Mitt.

Now; one last thing:

Fighting Democrats ain’t cheap. And more importantly, insuring our real president, Donald Trump, lives a life style befitting his status as the god-chosen leader to Make America Great Again, you gotta pony up a few bucks. Directly to Donald’s personal account. Every month. For the next four years.

And, because America’s greatest witch hunt is gonna see Mr. Trump indicted, his defense is gonna cost lots. And, because he’s fighting for YOU, and not to enrich himself or his family, why should he pay for his past misdeeds; you should pay for all his years of lying, cheating, chiseling, grifting, womanizing, infidelity, tax fraud, and outright larceny.

So just click the button below and we’ll deduct as much as we need to keep Donald out of prison.

Oh, and welcome to the 2021 Republican Party.

Tom Burke’s email address is t.burke.column@gmail.com.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Opinion

Making adjustments to keep Social Security solvent represents only one of the issues confronting Congress. It could also correct outdated aspects of a program that serves nearly 90 percent of Americans over 65. (Stephen Savage/The New York Times) -- NO SALES; FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY WITH NYT STORY SLUGGED SCI SOCIAL SECURITY BY PAULA SPAN FOR NOV. 26, 2018. ALL OTHER USE PROHIBITED.
Editorial: Congress must act on Social Security’s solvency

That some workers are weighing early retirement and reduced benefits should bother members of Congress.

toon
Editorial cartoons for Tuesday, June 24

A sketchy look at the news of the day.… Continue reading

Kristof: Bombing of Iranian nuclear sites leaves 3 key unknowns

We don’t know how Iran will respond, if the attacks were successful or if they can lead to a new regime.

Harrop: With success against Iranian targets, time to step back

Trump’s call to strike was right, as is his declaration to shift the conversation to negotiations.

Stephens: Trump made right call to block Iran’s nuclear plans

While there are unknowns, the bombing leaves Iran with few options other than negotiation.

Comment: Immigration crackdown has economic fallout for all

Undocumented workers are a major source of labor in many fields. Replacing them won’t be easy; or cheap.

Comment: Trump isn’t first president to treat press badly

It doesn’t excuse excluding the AP from the Oval Office, but presidential cold shoulders are nothing new.

In this Sept. 2017, photo made with a drone, a young resident killer whale chases a chinook salmon in the Salish Sea near San Juan Island, Wash. The photo, made under a National Marine Fisheries Service (NMFS) permit, which gives researchers permission to approach the animals, was made in collaboration with NOAA Fisheries/Southwest Fisheries Science Center, SR3 Sealife Response, Rehabilitation, and Research and the Vancouver Aquarium's Coastal Ocean Research Institute. Endangered Puget Sound orcas that feed on chinook salmon face more competition from seals, sea lions and other killer whales than from commercial and recreational fishermen, a new study finds. (John Durban/NOAA Fisheries/Southwest Fisheries Science Center via AP)
Editorial: A loss for Northwest tribes, salmon and energy

The White House’s scuttling of the Columbia Basin pact returns uncertainty to salmon survival.

Glacier Peak, elevation 10,541 feet, in the Glacier Peak Wilderness of Mount Baker–Snoqualmie National Forest in Snohomish County, Washington. (Caleb Hutton / The Herald) 2019
Editorial: Sell-off of public lands a ruinous budget solution

The proposal in the Senate won’t aid affordable housing and would limit recreational opportunities.

In a gathering similar to many others across the nation on Presidents Day, hundreds lined Broadway with their signs and chants to protest the Trump administration Monday evening in Everett. (Aaron Kennedy / Daily Herald)
Editorial: Let’s remember the ‘peaceably’ part of First Amendment

Most of us understand the responsibilities of free speech; here’s how we remind President Trump.

THis is an editorial cartoon by Michael de Adder . Michael de Adder was born in Moncton, New Brunswick. He studied art at Mount Allison University where he received a Bachelor of Fine Arts in drawing and painting. He began his career working for The Coast, a Halifax-based alternative weekly, drawing a popular comic strip called Walterworld which lampooned the then-current mayor of Halifax, Walter Fitzgerald. This led to freelance jobs at The Chronicle-Herald and The Hill Times in Ottawa, Ontario.

 

After freelancing for a few years, de Adder landed his first full time cartooning job at the Halifax Daily News. After the Daily News folded in 2008, he became the full-time freelance cartoonist at New Brunswick Publishing. He was let go for political views expressed through his work including a cartoon depicting U.S. President Donald Trump’s border policies. He now freelances for the Halifax Chronicle Herald, the Toronto Star, Ottawa Hill Times and Counterpoint in the USA. He has over a million readers per day and is considered the most read cartoonist in Canada.

 

Michael de Adder has won numerous awards for his work, including seven Atlantic Journalism Awards plus a Gold Innovation Award for news animation in 2008. He won the Association of Editorial Cartoonists' 2002 Golden Spike Award for best editorial cartoon spiked by an editor and the Association of Canadian Cartoonists 2014 Townsend Award. The National Cartoonists Society for the Reuben Award has shortlisted him in the Editorial Cartooning category. He is a past president of the Association of Canadian Editorial Cartoonists and spent 10 years on the board of the Cartoonists Rights Network.
Editorial cartoons for Monday, June 23

A sketchy look at the news of the day.… Continue reading

Comment: MAGA coalition may not survive U.S. attack on Iran

Split over Trump’s campaign promise of no ‘forever wars,’ his supporters are attacking each other.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.