Burke: Why not bring back duels to settle political battles?

By Tom Burke / Herald columnist

Now there are some American “traditions” we are well rid of: hanging women as “witches” in Salem, slavery, denying women’s suffrage, refusing a woman the right to control her own body, arresting people for homosexuality and stealing land from native Americans (actually, there’s no more land left to steal; we took it all already).

And there are some American “traditions” we should be well rid of: racism, the current America penal/punishment-not-rehabilitation system, income disparity, sexism, voter suppression and the Republican party.

But there is one great tradition we never should have abandoned: dueling.

The duel, known as an “affair of honor,” is deeply rooted in American history.

Men challenged each other with pistols on matters of principle, and although most challenges were settled before shots were fired, the duel was a universally recognized method of retaining one’s honor.

Our history’s most famous duel was Vice President Aaron Burr’s challenge to Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton. They met on July 11, 1804, at Weehawken, N.J. to settle a political feud that had pitted the two potent political powers against each other for more than 15 years.

Of course we all know how it turned out (at least we do if we are students of history or fans of the Lin-Manuel Miranda’s hip-hop Broadway musical “Hamilton”): the vice president kills the treasury secretary with a shot to the stomach.

Today, alas, there is no “honorable” way for such as Rex Tillerson, Joe Biden, James Comey, Andrew McCabe, Jim Mattis or Jeff Sessions to redeem their honor when Trump defames them. Or when he labels opponents Low Energy Jeb, Crooked Hillary, Lyin’ Ted Cruz, Sen. Joe Munchkin, Dumb as a Rock AOC, Crazy Nancy, Shifty Schiff, Cryin’ Chuck Schumer, Low-IQ Maxine Waters, or Pocahontas Liz Warren. And that’s a darn shame.

Now Hamilton wrote that he looked on Burr, “To be a dangerous man, and one who ought not be trusted with the reins of government,” and, “a profligate, a voluptuary in the extreme,” accusing him of corruptly serving the interests of a foreign power while in office and criticizing his military service.

Burr felt he had no recourse but to challenge Hamilton. Hamilton, to prove he would die for his honor, had to accept. (Somehow I can’t see Jared Kushner being rowed across the Hudson ala Hamilton by four men — Mike Pompeo, Bill Barr, Mick Mulvaney and Sean Hannity — to meet retired Marine General John Kelly, each armed with a 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol, to put his life on the line for words Kelly might have said about Kushner’s honesty.)

Of course it didn’t turn out too well for either Aaron or Alex. Hamilton got dead. Burr got accused of murder, lost his VP-ship, was charged with treason for trying to sell the Louisiana Purchase to Spain or England, fled to Europe, and died in ignominy back in the U.S. in 1836.

But, in the spirit of great American traditions I’d like to make a modest proposal: Bring back dueling. Reestablish the practice of facing off at 10 paces (10 yards for NFL afficionados) with weapons in hand and let the best man, or woman, win.

Of course, this being 2020 and all modern times and stuff we can’t have folks pacing up and down the banks of the Hudson (or Potomac) with .56 caliber flintlocks or great large cap-and-ball percussion pistols.

Nope, today we need more suitable weapons. Something 2020-appropriate. Something right for a time when we give “participation trophies” to losers; have “safe” room at colleges for students with hurt feelings; and helicoptering parents are the normative model for raising children.

So, could the 2020 weapon of choice be the Super Soaker? The Nerf gun? How about paint balls or Walt Disney-licensed light sabers?

Nah, let’s tailor the weapon to the participants.

If it’s Bloomberg versus Trump, they throw Benjamins at each other ‘till one runs out of hundred-dollar bills. (My money’s on Bloomberg.)

Trump versus Biden, golf clubs at Augusta National. Ruth Bader Ginsburg keeps score so Donald can’t cheat and Joe hits to a six handicap.

Now Nancy ‘gainst Ivanka would be dueling resumes. The woman with most actual achievements without “Daddy’s” money wins.

When it’s Trump versus Kim Jung-Un: one would have to love the other to death.

And if Trump stood up against Bernie they could arm MAGAs and Bernie Bros. (neither would actually risk their own lives) with invective. Whoever shouts the loudest insults, wins.

Of course the real duel is Trump versus facts. Pick a topic; say coronavirus and the reason for the plummeting stock market, or the CDC-predicted epidemic, or that, “it miraculously goes away” and the truth loses to Trump.

But it’s us who takes the shot to the gut.

Tom Burke’s email address is t.burke.column@gmail.com.